https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Know-What-Say-Support/dp/0679732020

Buy it and read it. This won't be the last time it happens to you.

Like many others said, you were there for him in his time of need.

Perhaps you can let him know you are available if he needs anything else.

Agreed, just being there is sometimes all you can do.

I barely remember this story so I will paraphrase a bit.

A man was doing some work on a remote pacific island, he got word that his wife has died so he went to his hut and cried. One by one the men from the village (who mostly didn't speak English) showed up and sat in a circle with him saying nothing.
After a while he stopped crying and after even more time had past they all started to filter out.
One of the elders (who spoke English) was last to go and the man stopped him and asked.
"What was that all about?"
"It is what we do." was all he said.

What you just went through is Act 1, Scene 1 in the real world drama that is about to unfold.

The fact that you are thinking about Act II means you are a fine person.

Relax.

I wish I had you as my neighbor.

One idea: Bring food - he's likely so focused on his wife that he'll forget to eat.

I read the thread in hopes of finding that magic bit of advise on what to say in those situations.

I guess the consensus is just what we all knew anyway, there really is nothing else to say. Words fail, all you can be is helpful and supportive. You did the right thing.

Long ago at my first house I met the older couple that were my back yard neighbors. I got to know them and got along great. I even had a few meals with them. Then the husband dropped dead from a massive heart attack.

His wife from from that previous generation era where the man had the job and took care of everything and the wife was a homemaker. She had no ide how to drive a car, write a check or do anything but how to cook and clean up. They never had kids for whatever reason that was none of my business.

Her sister came to live with her far a few months and teach her to pay the bills and step one was find what accounts he had. Her yard started getting tall so I just picked up my mower put it over the fence and mowed her yard for a while.

Fred, I can't see your name on a post without thinking of the "thing" (ordeal? tragedy? I don't know what to call it - only you have that word) with your daughter. I am a man of words, I wrote for a living, and there are situations where even I don't know what to say. I suspect your friends want to say the right thing, but are terrified of saying the wrong thing, so they say nothing. I know I find myself in that position.

I learned from a famous man that the most important thing is being there. Your mere presence says a lot.

I think I may be able to add something here.

Everyone is different in what they're going to want to do in this situation. They may want to talk about it and 'get it out'. They may want distractions to keep them busy. They may want to be left alone. You can't be expected to guess.

Depending on how much time you have, try talking to him and telling him you're there to chat, watch TV, share a meal, help with some projects, or leave him alone. Do tell him that you'd like to check in on him to make sure he's OK, even if he doesn't want you to hang around, but ask if that's OK with him. Suggest though, that whatever he wants to let you know as you'd be happy to help. It's not an encumbrance.

If you get the chance, try to talk to her, or both of them together. Ask her if there's anything you can do to help her, and if there's anything she'd like you to do to help her husband. Reassure her that you're going to be looking out for him of him. Chances are, this is on her mind. Making her more at ease will be of tremendous help to him too.

Finally, suggest to him that he seeks professional help at some point when he's ready. I think this is something everyone needs, even if they think they don't. You may be able to shut it away for years, but it will come back and bite you in the ass if you don't address it. Don't ask how I know this . . .


Best of luck - you sound like a fantastic neighbor! :-)

Just be there.

This is excellent advice!

It may be overstepping your boundaries but maybe if he has friends or family coming around check to see if he is on any meds and not forgetting to take them. (had that problem with my parents).

Actions speak louder than words.... Your actions were perfect

Yep....if a picture is worth a thousand words, then Webster's can't top what Cliff did with a hug :)

Make sure he is eating.

I lost my father very recently and the thing that strikes or struck me most is the people that showed up to the funeral home that I did not know just to offer condolences and also the cards with stories about my old man. Their being present to honor him and offer a kind word and/or tell a story about him meant more than anything and certainly gave me a better glimpse into how my father was appreciated in the community.

Just be available and you have done 99% of the work.