HELP! i didnt know what to say.

[vash]

i just moved here. i instantly bonded with my elderly neighbors. my next door neighbor is an amazing couple. he is a grizzled war veteran. definite "get off my lawn" type, but for some unknown reason..we get along. his wife is very sick. beautiful, sweet. the bluest and brightest eyes i have ever seen. makes a wicked bite sized cheesecake.

i really love them. she is dying. this week. it is over. i ran over to him tonight for some mundane, insignificant chat and he dropped that bomb on me. he just started crying and i hugged him. i was speechless. i had nothing.

damn it. i know what is in store for him and it is crushing.

there are no words. there are no words..right?

[rusnak]

It's one of those things that we all have to live through. I know that's of no comfort, other than knowing that in some sense, you or your friend are not alone.

[timchar]

Sometimes a hug is better than any words. Tim

[Dantilla]

There is nothing you can say to make it better.
There are plenty of things you can say to make it worse.

All you can do is cry. And hug.

You did what a wise person would do.

I'm sorry.

[speedster911]

best thing you can do to honer his wife is to be there for him. Does need to cost money - enjoy a ball game on TV, let him tell you the same story for the 100th time, take him for a ride in your P car. Surprising how many friends no longer come around when a spouse dies ... because they don't know what to do or say.

My wife is a hospice nurse , she always says " the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do".

Let him cry with you - he may not have anyone else that he feels safe enough to do that with.

[Charles Freeborn]

Yeah, don't talk - just be there. Let him lead.
I lost my first wife to cancer - been there. Didn't really want to hear other peoples platitudes or advice...

[rusnak]

Originally Posted by Dantilla

There is nothing you can say to make it better.
There are plenty of things you can say to make it worse.

I'm trying to think what those things would be, other than "There are plenty more fish in the sea", or "you lucky bastard" or something like that.

[impactbumper]

All you can do is to be there. There is no words you can say that will make anything better. Sad. I lost a good friend in January, and i was there till his last 2 days which he chose to spare to his wife and kids, rightfully so. I will keep her in my prayers and wish you strength.


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[cstreit]

You're right. There are no words.

...there is only you being there when he might need you.

Damn.

..allow him to grieve with you if he wants. That's all I can think of.

[Tobra]

There is no right thing to say, so don't say much

[SCadaddle]

Just being there for him and her is far more than anything you could say.

That being said, I've got elderly neighbors as well. In fact, I tell them all the time "I couldn't have mail ordered better neighbors!" This past Halloween, right at dusk, I walked over with a pair of bite size butterfingers in my hand, crouched down in front of their decorative glass door, rang the doorbell and in a high voice yelled "trick or treat!". They both opened the door with a platter full of candy and I stood up, extended the butterfingers and told them "Hey, I'll trade you these two butterfingers for a shot of whiskey!" They said "come on in!" (we live in a County that sells beer but no liquor or wine and I don't particularly drink anyways) So we laughed and he took my butterfingers after I declined on the whiskey.

Back when my Dad was about 94 I nearly stopped taking him to funerals when the bereaved would see him and exclaim "Bob! How ya been?!" and he would reply "well, I'm still here!" Brrzzzzzzztttt! DAD! Wrong answer!

[LEAKYSEALS951]

Make sure you are there for him.
Same thing happened to me. He came over to my house after she died. He was a wreck. He even offered to GIVE me his house. I told him "lets talk it over in a day or two." trying to calm him down.
I went to work. He went to his back yard.
...and killed himself.

[wdfifteen]

You were there. That alone is huge. Hug yourself for being a great, caring guy.

[pwd72s]

All good responses above. "You done good"...a high compliment in Logger parlance.

[tdw28210]

Yeah...wow. Well first off, you did the right thing already by giving the guy a hug and letting him cry a bit. I'd probably come up with a few more mundane reasons to check in on the guy and his wife over the coming days (hopefully weeks and months). Stuff like sharing a new craft beer or discussing a new tool you acquired. Hell, I really don't know. I've never been there, but it sounds like you have a knack for reading the situation, so just go with your gut.

[KFC911]

Originally Posted by vash

i.... and he dropped that bomb on me. he just started crying and i hugged him. i was speechless. i had nothing.

.....

You had everything that mattered for the moment Cliff....perfect and well done imo.

[oldE]

You are doing well.
Watch for signs of shock. Keep him engaged. There's a lot of good advice above (with the exception of "you lucky dog ",jeez Buddy!).
Best
Les

[Don Ro]

Giving someone our attention and presence is a physical manifestation of love.
That's what you did...and I'm sure that that is what he saw and felt.

[masraum]

Wow, yeah, no words, really. I think you did what was right.

[fastfredracing]

I think you are right, there really are no words. I noticed this phenomenon when my daughter passed. Many of my good friends had nothing to say, and steered clear for a while . I assume , due to the akwardness of the reality of it .
I have noticed , this is mostly with men. I guess we hate to let our feelings show .
A few times in casual conversation I have brought it up , and the response is always crickets chirping . I have learned to just carry it myself .
You are a good man Cliff . Just be there for him.