What would you do?
 

Very serious issue here that I would like some opinions on...

I'm 52, and have been married before and have two adult kids (20 and 24) who are out of the house but live locally. I recently got married ( in March ) to the most wonderful woman I could ever imagine being with. She has made me the happiest person I have ever been. She is flat out amazing to me. She has never been married before, ( she's 47 ) and she has always wanted to have a child, (baby). At this point in my life, I do not want to have another child. We discussed this very seriously at length many times both before and after we got engaged ( a condition on engagement) as it had popped up again and she agreed again to let it go because she felt she had also met the best person she could ever imagine for herself.
Fast forward 5 months, and I am now a proud grandpa to my son's new baby and my wife has now flipped completely and wants us to have a baby ourselves. She says the feeling is now stronger than ever and she is really struggling with it, so much so, that I fear for our future together.
We have had many deep conversations about this recently and I'm not sure what to do. She says this is not something that will pass this time without an end game. I have thought long and hard about having another child with her, but I just don't think I could do it at my age. I'm at the point in my life where my kids are grown and gone and I finally get to live my life they way I envisioned. That being said, I love her so much that I want to make her happy and give her her dream of having a child but at the cost of my freedom so to speak. That may sound a little selfish but I would be @ 72ish when it graduates from high school meaning the last 40 years of my life were devoted to raising children.
l asked her what would she do if I say yes vs no... Of course, if I say yes, then off we go to the doctor to make it happen and if I say no, what happens then... She says she has not thought that through... She is just keeping hope that I will say yes.. I said, you have to tell me what would happen if I say no... Are you willing to lose me over this or not??? She keeps saying she doesn't know but that she couldn't imagine her life without me in it but wants a baby with me just as strongly. I honestly would like to think that if I said no, that she would let it go again and we could work on getting past it together as we have done in the past, but I really don't know what will happen this time. A major appealing part of her to begin with, was that she had no children. It's very hard to date and find single women in that age range that don't have kids at home. I'm certainly not mad at her, but she really turned the tables on me and has now pushed me into a corner where I feel like I will get screwed either way. If I say yes, then she is happy and I am not.. If I say no, then she is not happy and I might lose her.

I really don't know what to do at this point...

Am I too old to start over with another baby? or should I go for it?

Am I crazy to even be thinking about having a child?

Am I crazy to think she will stay with me if I say no?

Am I crazy to think if I say no and she says OK that this wont come up again every 6 months?

If I say no and we end up splitting up, could I ever find someone else that measures up to her?

Some side notes, she has been going to counseling and has asked for many of her friends opinions, etc.. Babysitting or even adopting will not be enough for her. She wants her own. She also knows that this may or may not work at her age.

My gut reaction is that if I decide to say no, then I will just walk away and not let her have to choose between a baby and me and let her have what she has always wanted even if that means losing the most amazing person I have ever met.

This SUX.....

Whoo boy.

I can imagine life in my late 60's with an adolescent.

I feel for you. No advice given.

No advice for you, but I know what I would do.

No...then let the chips fall where they may.

Best of luck!

My first thought is that at that age of 47 what are the chances of having a baby never mind a healthy baby?

Wow what a situation to be in ! My 2 cents on this...... you had several discussions before and during engagement concerning this very issue . I have to assume both of you gave honest answers to whatever questions you had for each other . No it's not a legal contract but you discussed multiple times and came to a mutual agreement . Let me repeat you had a mutual agreement . But as we all know life changes and situations change .

If I was in your shoes I would do anything you could to save the relationship because it sounds like there are a lot of positives but I would NOT give in on the child issue . She changed her mind about wanting a child , what's to say she decides she no longer needs you after having a baby ? Now you are miserable and paying child support while collecting social security !

In a perfect world you both stay happy and healthy as a couple but worst case you end up eventually being happy apart with no child . The world can be cruel but you have paid your dues on raising children . Good luck wishing you both the best .

Marc,

You don't want a baby. You made it clear prior to marriage to her that you don't want a baby. Having a baby that you don't want will not solve anything and will only cause problems.

Stand firm on that position and then go from there

She agrees and is willing to use a donor egg by way of IVF either with, if I say yes, or without my jam if I say no... She just wants to carry it..


And thanks to everyone so far..

Same here.

This is a tough one. I could not do it.

Sorry to hear this Mark. Tough situation. But...48 is well into the high risk age (35+). So the odds of miscarrying or having a handicapped or Downs child is quite high. Is that something she's ready to deal with.,,and you?

Do some research and if things get serious, talk with a genetic counselor to understand the risks. There's no guarantee that a perfectly normal happy, healthy child is waiting on the other end. So, make sure she understands that there is much more to consider than just having a baby. Heck, she could have had a baby years ago if that's what she really wanted. And it sounds like she doesn't even care if it's yours.

I vote no.

So she wants to fundamentally alter the next 20+ years of your life, including the rest of your "earning potential" years, with or without your permission, and then not even use your goo if you disagree with her.

Not a chance. Feel badly for her but it's crazy.


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I hate to prejudge but if I were you I'd also be using condoms you may not be able to trust her on birth control .

Oh just saw this.....time to move on buddy. Honeymoon is over.


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Just to clarify a few things, She understands the risks at her age and is willing to use a donor egg to minimize those risks. She wants to use my goo but if say no AND we end up splitting up, then she will resort to using donor sperm as well. She knows that if I say no AND we stay together, that going forward with this at all or by using someone else's goo is not an option.

Tough one.

I would not have the patience at 67 years old dealing with a 15 year old. Even a "cool" 15 year old. BTW.....I'm 67.

Vasectomy.

(At your age and stage in life, I don't know why you wouldn't have done it years ago).

It's of course a personal decision, but since you're asking for opinions:

We're close to the same age. No way in the world would I begin the process of fathering a child at this stage of life. If I had to move on, I'd just move on. I personally would not view that as a tough decision at all.

Also, in my opinion, she's not quite as perfect as you believe. She has a certain level of . . . this isn't the right word but close enough . . . "craziness" (or irrationality, or unreasonableness, issuing veiled ultimatums, etc) to her. Just based on what you've said she's said.

If it were my decision to make, I would not have another kid. Not only is it not fair to you, it's not fair to the kid to have a parent that is more than 50 years older. Kids need you around a lot longer than just getting them through school, and she needs to think about that.

In my opinion, she's too old to have a kid. The risk is too high, for both mother and baby.

You guys had this worked out, it's not fair for her to change it. If she can't get past that without carrying any baggage from it, then she needs to move on. Neither one of you will be happy, regardless of what decision you make.

I wish you luck.