What would you do?
 

Very serious issue here that I would like some opinions on...

I'm 52, and have been married before and have two adult kids (20 and 24) who are out of the house but live locally. I recently got married ( in March ) to the most wonderful woman I could ever imagine being with. She has made me the happiest person I have ever been. She is flat out amazing to me. She has never been married before, ( she's 47 ) and she has always wanted to have a child, (baby). At this point in my life, I do not want to have another child. We discussed this very seriously at length many times both before and after we got engaged ( a condition on engagement) as it had popped up again and she agreed again to let it go because she felt she had also met the best person she could ever imagine for herself.
Fast forward 5 months, and I am now a proud grandpa to my son's new baby and my wife has now flipped completely and wants us to have a baby ourselves. She says the feeling is now stronger than ever and she is really struggling with it, so much so, that I fear for our future together.
We have had many deep conversations about this recently and I'm not sure what to do. She says this is not something that will pass this time without an end game. I have thought long and hard about having another child with her, but I just don't think I could do it at my age. I'm at the point in my life where my kids are grown and gone and I finally get to live my life they way I envisioned. That being said, I love her so much that I want to make her happy and give her her dream of having a child but at the cost of my freedom so to speak. That may sound a little selfish but I would be @ 72ish when it graduates from high school meaning the last 40 years of my life were devoted to raising children.
l asked her what would she do if I say yes vs no... Of course, if I say yes, then off we go to the doctor to make it happen and if I say no, what happens then... She says she has not thought that through... She is just keeping hope that I will say yes.. I said, you have to tell me what would happen if I say no... Are you willing to lose me over this or not??? She keeps saying she doesn't know but that she couldn't imagine her life without me in it but wants a baby with me just as strongly. I honestly would like to think that if I said no, that she would let it go again and we could work on getting past it together as we have done in the past, but I really don't know what will happen this time. A major appealing part of her to begin with, was that she had no children. It's very hard to date and find single women in that age range that don't have kids at home. I'm certainly not mad at her, but she really turned the tables on me and has now pushed me into a corner where I feel like I will get screwed either way. If I say yes, then she is happy and I am not.. If I say no, then she is not happy and I might lose her.

I really don't know what to do at this point...

Am I too old to start over with another baby? or should I go for it?

Am I crazy to even be thinking about having a child?

Am I crazy to think she will stay with me if I say no?

Am I crazy to think if I say no and she says OK that this wont come up again every 6 months?

If I say no and we end up splitting up, could I ever find someone else that measures up to her?

Some side notes, she has been going to counseling and has asked for many of her friends opinions, etc.. Babysitting or even adopting will not be enough for her. She wants her own. She also knows that this may or may not work at her age.

My gut reaction is that if I decide to say no, then I will just walk away and not let her have to choose between a baby and me and let her have what she has always wanted even if that means losing the most amazing person I have ever met.

This SUX.....

Whoo boy.

I can imagine life in my late 60's with an adolescent.

I feel for you. No advice given.

No advice for you, but I know what I would do.

No...then let the chips fall where they may.

Best of luck!

My first thought is that at that age of 47 what are the chances of having a baby never mind a healthy baby?

Wow what a situation to be in ! My 2 cents on this...... you had several discussions before and during engagement concerning this very issue . I have to assume both of you gave honest answers to whatever questions you had for each other . No it's not a legal contract but you discussed multiple times and came to a mutual agreement . Let me repeat you had a mutual agreement . But as we all know life changes and situations change .

If I was in your shoes I would do anything you could to save the relationship because it sounds like there are a lot of positives but I would NOT give in on the child issue . She changed her mind about wanting a child , what's to say she decides she no longer needs you after having a baby ? Now you are miserable and paying child support while collecting social security !

In a perfect world you both stay happy and healthy as a couple but worst case you end up eventually being happy apart with no child . The world can be cruel but you have paid your dues on raising children . Good luck wishing you both the best .

Marc,

You don't want a baby. You made it clear prior to marriage to her that you don't want a baby. Having a baby that you don't want will not solve anything and will only cause problems.

Stand firm on that position and then go from there

She agrees and is willing to use a donor egg by way of IVF either with, if I say yes, or without my jam if I say no... She just wants to carry it..


And thanks to everyone so far..

Same here.

This is a tough one. I could not do it.

Sorry to hear this Mark. Tough situation. But...48 is well into the high risk age (35+). So the odds of miscarrying or having a handicapped or Downs child is quite high. Is that something she's ready to deal with.,,and you?

Do some research and if things get serious, talk with a genetic counselor to understand the risks. There's no guarantee that a perfectly normal happy, healthy child is waiting on the other end. So, make sure she understands that there is much more to consider than just having a baby. Heck, she could have had a baby years ago if that's what she really wanted. And it sounds like she doesn't even care if it's yours.

I vote no.

So she wants to fundamentally alter the next 20+ years of your life, including the rest of your "earning potential" years, with or without your permission, and then not even use your goo if you disagree with her.

Not a chance. Feel badly for her but it's crazy.


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I hate to prejudge but if I were you I'd also be using condoms you may not be able to trust her on birth control .

Oh just saw this.....time to move on buddy. Honeymoon is over.


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Just to clarify a few things, She understands the risks at her age and is willing to use a donor egg to minimize those risks. She wants to use my goo but if say no AND we end up splitting up, then she will resort to using donor sperm as well. She knows that if I say no AND we stay together, that going forward with this at all or by using someone else's goo is not an option.

Tough one.

I would not have the patience at 67 years old dealing with a 15 year old. Even a "cool" 15 year old. BTW.....I'm 67.

Vasectomy.

(At your age and stage in life, I don't know why you wouldn't have done it years ago).

It's of course a personal decision, but since you're asking for opinions:

We're close to the same age. No way in the world would I begin the process of fathering a child at this stage of life. If I had to move on, I'd just move on. I personally would not view that as a tough decision at all.

Also, in my opinion, she's not quite as perfect as you believe. She has a certain level of . . . this isn't the right word but close enough . . . "craziness" (or irrationality, or unreasonableness, issuing veiled ultimatums, etc) to her. Just based on what you've said she's said.

If it were my decision to make, I would not have another kid. Not only is it not fair to you, it's not fair to the kid to have a parent that is more than 50 years older. Kids need you around a lot longer than just getting them through school, and she needs to think about that.

In my opinion, she's too old to have a kid. The risk is too high, for both mother and baby.

You guys had this worked out, it's not fair for her to change it. If she can't get past that without carrying any baggage from it, then she needs to move on. Neither one of you will be happy, regardless of what decision you make.

I wish you luck.

Does she really? If she is in absolute tip-top physical shape, then it would probably be a non-issue. However, if she is even the slightest bit "unhealthy" at that age, it can increase the already higher risk factors. I'd have her read up on the potential (and statistical) complications of having a baby at that age (even with IVF). Have her call several fertility clinics to see what their age cut-off is, and ask them why that is. Maybe find your own factual material for her to see/read (think: scared straight). Just go with an "I'm worried about you" and not an "I told you so" approach/tone. Though, I suppose if she is that determined to have a kid, she may just rationalize/marginalize any potential health risks anyway. Best of luck navigating this one brother.

+1

We are the same age.

Hell no.

Sorry for your wife, seriously, I sympathize with her, but still, hell no no no no no.

My older brother knocked his hot younger secretary up when he was 52. Never married her but they split time raising him. He's 13 now and my brother has corrected many of the mistakes he had raising his first 2 kids who are 35 and 33. I could ask him if he would do it again.

I had a kid at 42. Now, at 47, I have several thoughts- Not saying yea or nea.
1. It's nice to have a "life" perspective and maturity in raising a child (the good)
2. I am at the age where for the majority of history, I would be dead, or a grandparent. This is reflected in my aching joints and soreness trying to match my daughter in energy and running around the yard, except I can't give her back to the parents at the end of the day- I am the parent (the bad).
3. Think out the long term ramifications 5 year plan- 10 year plan- 15 yr, etc...(potentially good or bad depending on your situation). Where do you see yourself in 20 years. Where will your child be in 20 years? Is this a situation where you will need to ween the kid off at age 18 because you will be pissing on yourself at that time?

This is where you really want to sit down and have a long heart to heart with your significant other. Go into the discussion speaking your peace, not trying to save a relationship by not speaking your peace (whatever that position/outcome might be).

Sorry man, crappy situation. Assuming you were honest with her during your engagement, I'd probably have to take a hard line stance. All that I ask is that my honesty is reciprocated, sounds like that's not the case here and that's pretty hard to swallow. I'm 37 and my oldest is 7, even at this point I can't imagine starting over. My answer would be a hard no, and if that's not ok then things were never what they appeared anyway.

If you can find a program willing to take a 47 yo female on for IVF, be very very suspicious. I'd tell her that if it happens naturally, it was meant to be...because the odds of it happening are really low.

That said, good on you for being willing to wrestle with it at your age. She's really fortunate to have you.

17 years ago or so, I came down from Vermont to visit my dad in NJ and found him sitting on bag of frozen peas. I asked him what's up and he answered that he'd undergone a small medical procedure...a vasectomy reversal. I was stunned. He was in his early 50's at the time and was about to marry wife #2, who was about 10 years younger, never married and wanted to try for a baby. I asked him if he was ready to go through it all over (my brother and I were graduated from college, careers, etc...he was done). He was willing to do it for her, and I was trying to wrap my brain around the idea that I might have a little baby half sibling running around.

Anyway, the docs hooked up his plumbing, later tested and Dad's boys were still swimming strong, so they went for it. Never happened and turns out it was too late for her to conceive. Dad dodged a bullet on that one I think.

Tough spot to be in and I can only offer this story as support because it sounds pretty similar. My dad wasn't gung ho about it but wanted to make her happy.

Good luck to you, all the best.

Love my kids. The hard work raising them fades quickly. I would put the biscuit in the basket.

I never read all replies but if she really loves you as much as you love her she may settle down after you offer to babysit your grand kid for a week. Does she know much much work it is to raise a kid? I became a dad at 36 and I'm beat chasing after 11 and 9 year old. She'll be almost 60 at that stage. Good Luck!

Plus you both can be the best of the best grandparents!

My vote is "No". Honestly, I think that she'll stay if you say no, and I know that it would really suck if she doesn't, but if that's the case then there was something else going on anyway.

I've got several perspectives on this.

I was 24 when I met my wife and she was 32 with 3 kids. I'm now nearly 47 and my wife is 55. For many years, off and on, my wife has asked "do you want to have a baby?" or "are you sure you don't want to have a baby?" My answer has always been "no" because practically, it was never the right time.

I mentioned this thread to her and what she told me was that every time that she brought it up, if it went past me saying "no" (in the later years), I always provided good, practical reasons for it not being a good idea and she accepted those. She told me (which I'd never known) that there had even been periods when she'd resented it, but not often. 15 months ago, our daughter (my step) had our first grandchild. When our daughter went back to work, my wife started watching the grandchild 5 days a week. It varies from about 45-60 hours a week. He is SO CUTE and just the most wonderful thing, AND absolutely exhausting especially for the wife.

About this thread, my wife said that this feeling will pass for your wife, at least mostly, although it may come up from time to time over the years (my thoughts: especially since your wife has never had a kid).

My wife loves our grandson, but is also very, very happy that we didn't ever have another. We are happy to be empty-nesters even if we are part time not-empty-nesters.

My thoughts, your wife just doesn't get it. The hardest time (from my point of view) is the adolescent years, 13-18 or 13-20. Yeah, some kids are great and some are a huge pain and you really don't know which it would be. You really don't want to be that old with a teen.

Also, and not trying to be morbid here, but how would it be if you (or your wife) passed while the kid was still relatively young? I know that life expectancy is going up, but even with that, folks do start dropping in their 50s and it only accelerates from there.

+100

I have no advice but I'll tell you my curent experience. I am 46 , I have 3 kids from previous marriage , the oldest 20 and the youngest 14.
When I got married the secomd time , I knew iwe would have at least one child together and we did. My wife being the only child told me that I need another child , I was 45. She gave me all the reasons .... I was 44. We decided to go for it . When I had my first daughter with her at 42, I was still very energetic , doing everything, staying up at night , change diapers , activities and all . Now I have the 5 months old , it is a big difference . What a difference 3- 4 years makes . I tried but can't stay up at night , do t have the same energy at all to the point that I feel like I am neglecting her and I can't do what I have done for the other.

Think it thru .

I guess I would say that it's not just about you, or her, but this person you will bring into the world.

Do you want 2-3 years of sleepless nights?
Will you have the energy to take them out to play ball, play horsey, etc..?
Will you have the dedication to check homework every night when you are 62? 72?

That's kind of a huge thing to discuss after you are married. I don't like to give opinions on such serious stuff - but honestly I'm gonna say you should pass on the next one. It's not like you don't know what it entails - you know EXACTLY what it entails. If you're hesitant, don't bring a person into this world that you don't want. Additionally at 47 and 52 your odds of having issues are very high. Chromosomal, health, etc.. Lots of risk.

This is not something you can do with 1.5 people involved and have a good outcome for anyone involved.

This thread reminds me of the time my wife and her best friend, who was single, sat me down at dinner to try to talk me into being her friends sperm donor. Her friend was getting older and wanted a baby.

Screaming in my mind was "It's a trap!"

Well I didn't fall for it, I already had several kids. I said no friggen way in the nicest most caring way I could. In my head I'm a paladin and just saw no good coming of that in any way.

I still get $hit cramps thinking about that. The boys at my SAR Unit sure came up with some elaborate ways for me to knock her up without actually climbing on her he-he..sorry for the derail its mildly related.-WW

ps. I got four years til the last one is out of the nest. I'm 47 and counting down the hours and seconds.

I read your story - my first thought is why r you posting this here? R u taking a poll? Majority rules?

I have no faith in social media and the last thing I would do is air my linen to the internet. I would look for a safe environment for a discussion. The Pelican forum isn't safe for me. But since you threw it out, good luck luck with the responses - maybe you want to hear what you want to hear.

You need this conversation with your with wife , not with guys like me. I don't know your situation, is it not of interest to me. I am a divorced guy since 2006 and this is the last place I would seek advice. I have a dark story as many others who probably have similar ones - none of which will help you. Because your story is unique to you.

start a conversation with your wife - tell her how you feel. And work on that.

Best to get it out and upfront, you might find other things you took for granted.


sorry to be harsh - tell her how you feel!


all the best.

When I was in Boy Scouts got involved in a troop that was 50/50 handicapped boys. The Scout Master was the grandparent raising of one of the handicapped boys. Noticed almost all of the parents of those handicapped boys were older parents and had much older siblings.

Would have her take a hard honest look at the risk of not only her potential problems and complications during pregnancy due to her age, but also the chances of the child being physical and/or mentally challenged due to her age. It's not about just being older and raising a child, but possibly being being older and caring for a disabled child.

That would seriously affect my decision.

Have two sisters that wanted more children later in life. I know it is different because they each already had two children of their own. But they both adopted. Not once, but twice each.

My dad was 50 when I was born. I missed out on a lot growing up because he was not able to do the things a man should do with his kids. He was physically used up from hard work and a hard life. No way I'd try to raise a kid like that.

this, 47 is too old to have a healthy child, the first of many reasons it is a bad idea.

y'all need to have a serious conversation