Friends Mom In Real Bad Shape ...

[M.D. Holloway]

She had a heart valve put in 2010. Not sure if she got an infection or something else but it has some scar tissue on it and its not working very well. Somehow it wasn't caught. She experienced difficulty breathing recently and went to see the doc. They admitted her and found fluid in the lungs. She didn't show any signs of infection but come to find out her kidneys are not working well. One is shut down and the other is in bad shape. I guess a piece of the stuff on the valve broke lose and the kidneys picked it up. She is in her 80s and after her heart op in 2010 developed diabetes. She is a slight women, not heavy at all. Never was. She has always taken good care of herself. Doesn't smoke, has a glass of wine or 2 at dinner. Never ate processed food - big garden. I guess she had bad genes but an 80 year run is pretty good.

Doctors wanted her kidneys to straighten out before they go in to repair the valve but she is far to weak. They are not going to put her on dialysis. I guess there are a few other things now emerging. Not sure why but apparently she is too weak for it. My friend is talking to the doctors about options but it seems like the only one is Hospice. Her husband who is also in his 80s has shown signs of dementia. His short term memory is fading. He has to be told repeatedly about his wife. He knows she is in the hospital and very bad but he keeps on asking when she is coming home. It is absolutely heartbreaking.

This is the death spiral Its sad. Its taking a lot out of my friend.

[nvr2mny]

Thoughts and prayers to your friend and family. End of life issues like this are tough on everyone. It's good you are there for your friend.

[pwd72s]

This illustrates why many of us hope for a nice sudden fatal heart attack.

My sympathy to your friend. Went through it with my parents...yes, it sucks.

[KFC911]

Best to your friends and to you Mike...tough times for sure....

[rfuerst911sc]

Be strong and supportive of your friend , every little positive influence is appreciated when in this situation . Unfortunately been there done that with my parents it's never easy . Good luck .

[RKDinOKC]

It is tough, but a natural thing to out-live parents. Best you can do is make them as happy and as comfortable as you can. You will feel better about it for your efforts. Took care of my Dad with diabetes complications, then brother with MS, then Mom with strokes and dementia. It was hard watching Mom just fade away. The hardest part was seeing my other siblings treating them like they were already gone.

Had a great aunt that for her last year wouldn't eat anything but biscuits and apricot jam or vanilla ice cream with sprinkles. Said that at her age she was just going to eat what she liked.

Had a great uncle that lived to within 1 month of his 100th birthday. He was in perfect health and mental condition except for an inoperable aneurism he lived with his last 10 years. Doctors told him one day it would pop and finally it did. He was in much better health and more alert than his kids he lived with (they were in their late 70's). He really wanted to see his 100th birthday.

[wdfifteen]

My sympathy for your friend. With so many systems in trouble it does look like an end of life situation. This is a time that stresses families. I hope your friends handles it well.

[DanielDudley]

If it were not for suffering, no one would ever want to leave. Do not focus on dying, focus on the support and comfort of all those involved. Focus on your friends in this time of difficulty. Count all the blessings you can find. Concentrate on the best possible outcome regardless of the circumstances.

What is life without context ? Focus on living, love and comfort, fair thoughts, words and actions.


Give yourself some credit for being a caring individual. Keep a little emotional distance, and offer a little emotional support.

[M.D. Holloway]

Interesting and new complications. She has a compromised immune system. Cardiology can't do anything with the valve until she is stronger. So no operation to fix the pump. The renal folks say that she is in kidney failure and dialysis would be very painful for her due to her present state and the fact is it most likely won't prolong her life or make her better for surgery. So infectious disease was called in to explore the possibility an infection that wasn't readily apparent. It is now discovered that she has a rather rare infection caused by a bacteria carried by cats. People with a compromised immune system are susceptible to this. Here is the saddest thing. Her husband took in a stray cat a few years ago. The cat stays out side or sometimes comes into the closed patio to eat. Her husband has grown very fond of it. While visiting recently he spent most of his time on the patio holding and petting the cat. She never liked it. I think she was most likely jealous of the attention that cat got over her. If it discovered that her demise was due to the cat, the old guy will be crushed.

Such a strange and sad state of affairs.

[KFC911]

Originally Posted by M.D. Holloway

.... If it discovered that her demise was due to the cat, the old guy will be crushed.

Such a strange and sad state of affairs.

Very sad....the old guy is going to face a crushing blow it sounds like. If I had any influence on the situation, then I would do my best to shield him from the cat aspect. It would serve no purpose but make a sad situation even worse for him....YMMV.

[sc_rufctr]

I feel for your friend and his mother. I wish her the best outcome.

At 52 I've lost a lot of people over the years and it's never easy regardless of their age or circumstances. Just recently a friend of my mother passed at 67. She was a vibrant and healthy her whole life and got inoperable lung cancer. She never smoked and neither did her husband. Out of the blue she started to get chest pains and went to the doctor. Some tests and an x ray & there it was, cancer. Her whole family was distraught and devastated.

We all know that life wont go on forever so I've always said "just get on with it". When bad things happen, mourn for an appropriate amount of time and then get busy.

I have a friend who is completly stuck. She was sexually molested at 14 and has never dealt with it properly. She's now 44. Her life is about her pets, Faceplant and nothing else. She can't work because of her emotional state but to look at her you'd think there's nothing wrong with her. In my mind she's just waiting for the grave.

[M.D. Holloway]

Shes heading to Hospice. Shes in a ton of pain - they have her on some Morphine but I don't think its enough. Her kidneys have failed, her legs are cramped so bad they are like rocks. She can barely breath her lungs have so much fluid in them. This is f'n torture on her.
She asked to pray for her to die. What the hell do you say to that?

[Crowbob]

You don't say anything. You pray for her to die.

[M.D. Holloway]

She passed away a few days ago. Each day she got worse, had a gray complexion. She did tell her children she loved them very much that day, her husband brushed her hair, gave her water through a syringe. She asked if they would let her sleep so they left the room. She passed away quietly about 10 minutes later. I don't think she wanted to die in front of them.

[pete3799]

Sorry to hear Mike.
My condolences.

[flatbutt]

Originally Posted by M.D. Holloway

She passed away a few days ago. Each day she got worse, had a gray complexion. She did tell her children she loved them very much that day, her husband brushed her hair, gave her water through a syringe. She asked if they would let her sleep so they left the room. She passed away quietly about 10 minutes later. I don't think she wanted to die in front of them.

That's real strength. Peace to all.

[KFC911]

Very sorry to hear Mike. A former long time gf was a hospice nurse....saw mucho. Passing on in that fashion is as natural as being born imo.
There may be a "mental struggle" of sorts as the end nears....then a calm "peaceful, easy, feeling" to steal from the Eagles.

On the front end of the journey, we get a smack on the azz and start out kicking and screaming...

She's "good" now...take solace in that....be well...

[recycled sixtie]

Sorry to hear about your friend's Mum. Yes life can be brutal. Life is for living so enjoy each day as it comes.

[JavaBrewer]

Condolences Mike. I agree with KC911, she is good now. The burden now falls on the family to find peace with it all.

[rfuerst911sc]

The positive side of this is she hopefully didn't suffer too long . When my mom was near the end I told the hospice nurse pour the coal to the morphine and don't let up . I knew my mom was on the way out and didn't want her to suffer in pain . I know it is a very controversial subject due to religious reasons but I really think Dr. Kevorkian was onto something .