Proper Tool Use

[scottb]

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes
you to say, "Yeow ...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters. The tool most often used by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½
socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off
of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible
future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screw driver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which
is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm
howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle
of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by
hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were
last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds
off their heads. Also used to
quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

D A M M I T TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "D A M M I T" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.

[rlane]

ROTFL !
Geez....you clearly have watched me work in the garage

[porsche930dude]

HAHAHA your spot on!
a straight screwdriver is also commonly used to test the skill and patience of the screwee to apply downward force while keeping the tool directly parallell thus not slipping out and causing damage to the surrounding objects

[Hugh R]

Too funny!

My brother-in-law runs a mill shop and I asked him the benefits of a radial arm saw vs. a table saw, and he said a radial arm will do one thing a table saw won't do... cut your arm off at the elbow.

[rusnak]

The metal bar beer slapper one made me cringe.

[Hoffmanmotors]

LMFAO! holy hell that was funny!

Good stuff.

[haycait911]

my father truly believed that slot screws were a communist plot to bring western industry to it's knees. but then, he grew up in a time when the 'red menace' was very much at the fore so he can be forgiven his prejudices. on the other hand, I can't think of ANY other reason for slot screws.

[Garen]

good stuff... makes me feel like going out to the garage to mess with the car...

[johndglynn]

Originally posted by scottb
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.

HAMMER: nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

LOL, excellent Scott, all so true

[Mike Metzler]

This is all so true!

To give proper credit, this was written by Peter Egan (Road & Track) a number of years ago.

Mike

[defcon65]

Allow me to add:

Circlip pliers: A tool designed to pre-load, then release the spring recoil of an integral fastener, propelling it into the darkest and least accessible location of a garage or internal combustion engine.

Easy-out: A hardened steel or carbide reverse spiral extractor designed to make a damaged fastener resistant to any other cutting or drilling tool.

Oil-filter socket: This tool, designed to fit a specific replaceable filter element will allow the user to remove excess skin from the backside of the hand and fingers with amazing speed and great mechanical advantage.

[oldE]

In all fairness to slot screws, they are ideal for woodwork in which holes are filled and finished over with the expectation that one day you might have to strip the piece, clean all the gunk out of the hole and the slot and remove the screw.
Other than that, they are the spawn of the devil.

Les