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Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Jackson, Wyoming
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Explanations in Haynes Manuals
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer. Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox. Haynes: Pry... Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into... Haynes: Undo... Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size). Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?" Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two). Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: Weekly checks... Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it. Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you... Haynes: One spanner rating. Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up? Haynes: Two spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you). Haynes: Three spanner rating. Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days. Haynes: Four spanner rating. Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you? Haynes: Five spanner rating. Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again. Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer... Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one" Haynes: Carefully... Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions. Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust. Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed. Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs. Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places. Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs... Translation: Snap off... Haynes: Using a suitable drift... Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: Everyday toolkit Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: Index Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do
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12' GT3 18’ 991S |
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01-03-2003, 04:03 PM
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Montana 911
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Montana
Posts: 5,818
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Ha Ha.....I love it!
That's exactly what my book reads like now that you mention it!
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H.D. Smith 2009 997.2 S 3.8 PDK 2019 Ford Ranger Lariat FX4 Baby Raptor 2019 Can Am Renegade 1000R XC 2020 Yamaha YFZ450R |
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01-03-2003, 04:22 PM
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HAHA exactly..
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Tim 1973 911T 2005 VW GTI "Dave, hit the brakes, but don't look like your htting the brakes...what? I DON'T KNOW, BRAKE CASUAL!!!" dtw's thoughts after nearly rear ending a SHP officer |
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01-03-2003, 04:40 PM
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Green Skull 006
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 2,040
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hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahaha
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S Reg 823 R Gruppe 246 1955 pre-A Carrera Speedster...x 1974 leichtbau..."Sascha" "It makes me sad. Our cars were meant to be driven, not polished" - Ferry Porsche while surveying a PCA Parade concours field. |
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01-03-2003, 04:49 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: San Carlos, CA US
Posts: 5,521
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And you expect more for $12.95?
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Porsche 2005 GT3, 2006 997S with bore-scoring Exotic: Ferrari F360F1 TDF, Ferrari 328 GTS Disposable Car: BMW 530xiT, 2008 Mini Cooper S Two-wheel art: Ducati 907IE, Ducati 851 |
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01-03-2003, 04:55 PM
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I, too particularly like the chapter dedicated to the fabrication of a 'tool' that allows the headlamp washers to be aimed. The 'tool' is composed of several different parts & looks like it would take the average home mechanic about 3 weeks to construct.
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01-03-2003, 05:42 PM
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911 user
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: East of Eden, West of the Sun
Posts: 2,411
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Too Funny!
Too True!!
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Where once the giants walked now Mickey Mouse is king. My other car is also a Porsche. |
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01-04-2003, 02:01 AM
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Registered
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: sunny, warm, Pittsburgh
Posts: 277
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Excellent !
I love your running theme... "Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer." 
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Clint 73T mfi coupe 87 gli sedan 87 535is 5speed (the newbie) |
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01-04-2003, 04:07 AM
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Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Newmarket, UK
Posts: 132
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That was great! I have thrown that book across the garage once or twice...
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01-04-2003, 07:18 AM
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Left Coast, Canada
Posts: 4,572
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The Haynes m/c repair books are similar.
I think they were written by John Cleese before he became a famous actor.
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'81 SC Coupe "Blue Bomber" "Keep your eyes on the road, and your hands upon the wheel."- J.D.M. |
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01-04-2003, 07:31 AM
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JOT MON ABBR OTH
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: USA
Posts: 3,238
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I REALLY AM DISAPPOINTED AT ALL OF YOU!! The Haynes manual is a wonderful tool. I use it everytime I have to get under the car or down near the ground to do something to my baby. It is the only book I feel correct using to keep my fat @$$ from contacting the brick floor of my garage. Now go disparage something else.
 hehehehehehehehehehehe
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David '83 SC Targa (sold  ) MANLY babyblue honda '00 F250 7.3L (MINE!)'15 F250 Gas (Her Baby) '95 993 (sold )I don't take scalps. I'm civilized like white man now, I shoot man in back. |
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01-04-2003, 07:32 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Redondo Beach, CA
Posts: 542
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Meanwhile, Todd is laughing hysterically whilst the fiance looks on and says "I don't get it, what's so funny about THAT?"
Cheers!
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-Todd '89 930, '97 TLC (Toyota Land Cruiser), '96 T-100pick-em-up '95 BMW R100 GSPD (gone but not forgotten), '07 BMW R1200GSA |
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01-04-2003, 08:33 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: NYC
Posts: 55
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Nicely written..I guess I through away $18 bucks.....damn...now I have to buy the Bently manuel for $119.
Why would I think a $18 dollar manuel would be equal to a $119 dollar manuel?????? I guess after reading the above everybody thought the same.....
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'95 Carrera 4 Cab '87 Carrera 3.2 Targa ‘85 Ferrari 308 - euro ‘80 Corvette L82 Formula 42 - Bad Company |
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01-04-2003, 10:03 AM
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Join Date: Mar 2001
Posts: 1,031
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dont pay $18 for a manuel--maybe if they speak good english--or if manuel makes awesome salsa. I get frustrated if I have to revert to Haynes manuals.... It seems like if you are in need of a certain specification, its never printed in the chapter that deals with that particular part of the car. Very frustrating. It IS a good knee pad though.
Chris |
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01-04-2003, 10:15 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: NYC
Posts: 55
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si...sinor...MANUAL
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'95 Carrera 4 Cab '87 Carrera 3.2 Targa ‘85 Ferrari 308 - euro ‘80 Corvette L82 Formula 42 - Bad Company |
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01-04-2003, 10:33 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: So. Calif.
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"..I think they were written by John Cleese before he became a famous actor."
Actually, John Cleese (of Monty Python fame) has a company that produces highly rated industrial training films/videos using his brand of off-kilter humor. Pretty effective too. Sherwood Lee (who once wrote an industrial video training script using a ..... star trek theme; alas, never saw it). http://members.rennlist.org/911pcars |
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01-04-2003, 11:39 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: new york, new york
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The absolute best one is the photograph that accomidates the "setting of the timing" picture!!!!!
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sayah |
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01-04-2003, 01:11 PM
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"Fabricate your own tool" Does anyone have an extra CNC machine their not using?
Kevin 72 911T/E |
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01-04-2003, 02:47 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Linn County, Oregon
Posts: 48,526
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Thanks for the laughs...good humor always contains that element of truth...
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01-04-2003, 02:50 PM
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1973 Porsche 911 2.4 MFI
