OT-Funny as hell

[JerryTreeXprt]

I got this from the 1150R.net site:

Found the following that I am cutting & pasting. I found it rather amusing and so did the author...after awhile:

My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future. Here goes...

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled).

I bought something really cool for her. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra special for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip.

For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to capacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat
to safety.

You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out -- way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two Triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect.

I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.

I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!!

Yipeeeeee... I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain what that burn spot is on the face of the microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two Triple-A batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently (trusting little soul she was), reading the directions (that would be me, not the cat) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.

I must admit I thought about zapping the cat for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with just two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no way!" trust me,

but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, The cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," and I'm reasoning that a one-second burst from
such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?).

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the **** of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY *************!DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, Do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't
dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep into your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward.

[Flatbutt1]

Clearly the author is not an S pilot.

[island_dude]

I think I started to figure out where this was going once I read "Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!".... I think the laughing spell induced by reading this was enough cause a similar reaction to the one the author experienced by tazing himself.

After reading this and watching the videos of the girl dumping off of that idot's bike I am starting to question our current state of evolution.

[Moybin]

FOFL!!! Side ache from laughing, almost as painful as passing that kidney stone (though without all the sweating).

I knew right where this was going and couldn't look away! OUCH! That hurt just to read, still getting my breath! Wife thinks I've lost it for good. Her turn is next!

Let's see... checked the cylinder, yup, loaded! Pull the hammer back... Aim at left, no, right foot. Squeeze the trigger. YUP! Shot self in foot. Uncool! I'll tell that story sometime (it wasn't my foot, but they were my reloads, in a .44 Mag of all things).

[dee jones]

Are you really a tree expert?

[TorranceTM]

It's a worry when you read these things in the office and can't stop laughing

[lennie]

my eyes water from the uncontrolled laughter.

ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

[on2wheels52]

I wish it had been my pawn shop instead of Larry's. It took me a couple years to sell half a dozen stun guns. People would say they were it wouldn't be effective but no one would let me try it on them. Did try on an outdoor cat (no PETA lurkers are there?) but was a lower voltage unit. Cat wasn't real happy about the test.

Jim

[Rapid Dog]

Stop that! you'll hurt yourself!
FZ

[JonyRR]

I read it too, and I was also falling outta the chair laughing...I gotta get me one of those......great gag for the next BMW rally or the Isle Of Vashon's Harley Moron contigenent.

[bingo]

I think I soiled myself...OMG

[Rapid Dog]

...tho' I must say, I had a similar incident with a solar powered box for a horse fence a few yeras back...keeps ya on yer toes...

[JonyRR]

I made the mistake ONCE of 'testing' an electric fence with a urine stream...YOUCH!!!!! for some of us, saying 'you probably shouldn't do that' is SUCH a red flag...

[JerryTreeXprt]

Originally posted by dee jones
Are you really a tree expert?

Yes...Yes I am.

[YAHBO]

YAHBO LAUGH!

YAHBO HURT HIMSEFF ALL THE TIME!!

YAHBO SAY DO IT AGAIN!!!

(and videotape it)