In my opinion the problem with this topic area is that people try to find that one reason that a person took their life, and then apply it to every situation where it has happened.
I believe that there are multiple scenarios, not just one size fits all.
Here are just a few, perhaps one per person:
- Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Seeing no way out and choosing this way after exhausting all options (Look up the psychology around a term "learned helplessness"
- Revenge or attention seeking - "I'll show you"
- Nothing left to live for - No reason to keep going and just drifting away
- Feeling worthless to society and not worth caring about, so a person stops caring about themselves. This can also be a learned behavior.
- Perhaps many more. This list is not extensive
There are many different reasons, its not one size fits all. Two people may reach the same end for very different reasons.
I believe that the one thing (among many things) that a person can do in any aspect of their life, is let themselves off the hook more easily.
I think this applies to both the person contemplating such an act
as well as to those left behind.
- I did the best I could do. Nobody could expect any more"
- I helped those who I could and thats all I could be expected to do
- There is no way I could have known and without that knowledge it is unrealistic that I could have prevented this
- It is unrealistic to expect that I had the skills to help in a meaningful way
I hope you get my point
Psycology is all about perspective.
As Tabs points out, our brains are wired by those who raise us, (and also by those whom we choose to live with) We just don't have the tools. Our parents did the best they could do. Our spouses have their own struggles.
In my case Ive rationalized and simplified traumatic experiences in life in order to let my self off the hook and minimize the personal anguish in this way.
For example, I have finally reconciled my divorce as:
She had a crisis. I was just the fallout. It wasn't about me.
...and I move on,
as Tabs illustrates in his stories above, even if it accidentally minimized feelings.
But, to his point, you must move on, and you must leave the baggage behind.
In times of loss such as suicide of a friend, feel your feelings. Don't let some good intentioned person minimize your feelings. You feel the way you do, and thats ok.
The next steps though is to figure out what you are going to do about it, not carry it through life, a way of find a way to put it into perspective so that you can move on.
To the original poster, your friend would want you to live the happy life the he sought.
Grieve for him, but then realize that we all have our struggles and our triumphs. Its just part of life. Life is good. The alternative not so much. You were fortunate to have known him and he to have known you.