[nostatic]

M: __Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.
R: ___Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
M: __No, I haven't, this is my first time.
R: ____I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
M: __Well, what is the cost?
R:___ Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
M: __Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
R: ____Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.
Pause
R: ___Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory.
Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
M: ___Thank you.

(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)

Q: __WHAT DO YOU WANT?
M: __Well, I was told outside that...
Q: __Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
M: __What?
Q: __Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!
M: __Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
Q: __OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
M: __Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Q: __Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.
M: __Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
Q: __Not at all.
M: __Thank You.
(Under his breath) Stupid git!!

(Walk down the corridor)
M: (Knock)
A: __Come in.
M: __Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?
A: __I told you once.
M: __No you haven't.
A: __Yes I have.
M: __When?
A: ___Just now.
M: __No you didn't.
A: __Yes I did.
M: _You didn't
A: __I did!
M: _You didn't!
A: __I'm telling you I did!
M: _You did not!!
A: __Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?
M:_ Oh, just the five minutes.
A: __Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
M: _You most certainly did not.
A: __Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
M: _No you did not.
A: __Yes I did.
M: __No you didn't.
A: __Yes I did.
M: __No you didn't.
A: __Yes I did.
M: __No you didn't.
A: __Yes I did.
M: _You didn't.
A: __Did.
M: _Oh look, this isn't an argument.
A: __Yes it is.
M: __No it isn't. It's just contradiction.
A: __No it isn't.
M: _It is!
A: __It is not.
M: _Look, you just contradicted me.
A: __I did not.
M: _Oh you did!!
A: __No, no, no.
M: _You did just then.
A: __Nonsense!
M: _Oh, this is futile!
A: __No it isn't.
M: _I came here for a good argument.
A: __No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
M: _An argument isn't just contradiction.
A: __It can be.
M: _No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
A: __No it isn't.
M: _Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.
A: __Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
M: _Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
A: __Yes it is!
M: __No it isn't!


A: __Yes it is!
M: _Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
(short pause)
A: _No it isn't.
M: _It is.
A: _Not at all.
M: _Now look.
A: (Rings bell)__Good Morning.
M: _What?
A: __That's it. Good morning.
M: __I was just getting interested.
A: __Sorry, the five minutes is up.
M: _That was never five minutes!
A: __I'm afraid it was.
M: _It wasn't.
Pause
A: __I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
M: _What?!
A: __If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
M: _Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!
A: _(Hums)
M: _Look, this is ridiculous.
A: __I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
M: _Oh, all right.
(pays money)
A: __Thank you.
short pause
M: _Well?
A: __Well what?
M: __That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
A: ___I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
M: __I just paid!
A: __No you didn't.
M: __I DID!
A: __No you didn't.
M: _Look, I don't want to argue about that.
A: _Well, you didn't pay.
M: _Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!
A: __No you haven't.
M: _Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
A: __Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
M: _Oh I've had enough of this.
A: __No you haven't.
M: _Oh Shut up.

(Walks down the stairs. Opens door.)

M: _I want to complain.
C: _You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.
M: _No, I want to complain about...
C: __If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.
M: _Oh!
C: __Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office.


(Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.)

M: _Hello, I want to... Ooooh!
H: __No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again.
M: _uuuwwhh!!
H: __Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.
M: _No.
H: __Now..
M: _Waaaaah!!!
H: __Good, Good! That's it.
M: _Stop hitting me!!
H: _What?
M: _Stop hitting me!!
H: __Stop hitting you?
M: _Yes!
H: __Why did you come in here then?
M: __I wanted to complain.
H: __Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.
M: _What a stupid concept.