Originally Posted by LWJ
Josh,
Funny small world, I was just thinking about "Fat Bastard" last week. I digress...
I think about FB all the time... he's patiently waiting for me to fix him. New battery is on the way, then fuel lines, then back in action!
I, too, have a surly 15 year old. Pre COVID, she was A+ on everything. A happy, normal kid.
COVID threw her a nasty curve ball. Grades went into the toilet. Spring 20 it would have been D's and F's, but they sort of fudged the numbers into everybody passes.
Fall 20 it was F'in AWFUL.
Then we got a pretty good counselor. She screamed and raged at first. Then got slightly better. She has an appointment today. Threw a small fit. But, getting better. (I hope!) That is my experience. How long has she been going to the counselor? See my comments above, but 6mo, a lot of money and nothing to show for it. Would love to know who you're using (PM me, if you don't mind sharing)
Your kid? It is so easy to armchair quarterback. "Suck it up, lazy ass." Well, it sounds good on TV. In reality? Maybe not so much.
My Advice - since I am in a VERY similar situation. (And yes, my TAG kid has ALWAYS hated school.)
1) School is not optional. Clearly communicated, but has been nearly impossible to enforce
2) Her school experience IS optional. We gave our kid a choice for high schools. We have a great situation that worked out for our oldest to go to a different public school that was a great fit. We told our 15 year old she could go there. Go to a sister school across town. And, when the S hit the fan, I said we could homeschool if that worked. I didn't care. I was desperate. We gave her options a well. She kept saying "no school" was her choice. See 1 above. She chose the 100% online school. We laid out parameters for her to meet to keep 100% virtual school a viable option. She has refused to meet those, so she is (our choice now) going back to "regular" high school next year.
3) Give the child control. Being a kid means limited control. If you can give options for things, this is good. We've tried to engage with her to be part of the solution, but even choices/parameters she has made, she doesn't honor
4) Tell her that you are on her side. But remind her about #1 - School is NOT optional. If you allow her some decision making, it can't hurt.We've tried this and have not had success. We've done everything from letting her choose the school, to the classes and helping define success criteria, but she won't follow through and goes into lockdown.
5) I know you said she hates counselors. I would suggest that you make this non-optional as well. And, get a private one. I can refer ours if you care. She is local. And I like her. (Sidenote, my now 19 year old son went through a NASTY spell at age 14. Counselling did wonders for him and he is doing great at UO as a freshman.) All of the counselors we've tried were private and not through the school. Please PM me who you're using.
6) My wife really obsesses about grades. I think this is a huge error. I focus on is my kid happy or not. I also try to find things that distract my kid and we can do together. Watching The Tick is something we love. There are others. Like riding a tandem bike. Taking the boxster to get ice cream. Distractions. We are definitely trying to put her happiness first. We're not asking/requiring As and Bs, just passing grades. I've tried to find activities, but she disengages pretty quickly, but admittedly, I need to keep trying more
7) Get a tutor if there are struggles. My kid has an IQ that is 4 or 5 std deviations over average. She is pretty darn smart. BUT, math was killing her. We got a tutor over her protests. It has helped remove the conflict from US to she just does the math with the tutor. Yay. Where did you find the tutor? I think we may give this approach a try again
Damn. You have asked one of the hardest questions there is to answer. As I trained my dog today, I commented "too bad children don't respond to bacon treats..." Well, my daughter did say in kindergarten that her favorite animal was a pig, because they're so tasty, so I might need to give bacon treats a try!
Good luck. I hope something here helps.
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