[john70t]

Some of my reflections of my own youth for comparison:
I'm suspecting I had a bit of depression, learning disorder or autism, and/or OCD as a child. Probably still do to a degree. Definitely a crappy memory in many ways but with some things it was exceptional. I could not learn a new thing unless it was fully based on something real and tangible. Computers and programming were fascinating, but mentally linking the code language to real hardware function was like crossing a mental abyss unless it started with the concept of it being plugged in. Without that, every new bit of information was like the background noise of a superficial party. No substance. Just vapor information not even worth hearing.

Some of the childhood things I really wanted to be involved in turned into mental blockages and scarred feelings of failure:
1). I always wanted to play the violin, but the kindergarten teacher assigned me a cello instead. I couldn't carry a cello twice my size several miles back and forth to school every day dodging HS bullies walking the other way. The 50lbs of books already did the back in.

2). I joined the wrestling team in 7th grade but suddenly got sucker punched hard in the stomach by the 9th grader star wrestler in the hallway before class, for no reason. I was just standing there in the crowd and got nailed. Ran away crying. I'd had the flu and puked several times that morning and didn't even think I'd make it through regular school that day. When I went back to the next wrestling class the coach pointed me out, made me stand up and basically called me a little beach in front of the group. I was a pretty strong kid and thought about staying and putting both of them to shame but decided against it. Instead of fighting I left.
And that was the end of another major hobby.

3). I loved swimming and biked to the pool during the summer for the team, but dad was mostly absent and mom took her control issues out on the only male left around inside the house. Lucy with the football would be a cupcake compared to those times. When there was anything I started really getting into, and I do mean anything, she would make sure it was stopped right away. If I was drawing, reading, or even doing homework the dishes need to be done right away. If I was trying to fix my bicycle or building something the lawn needed to be cut right now, or some other reason. No relaxing or enjoyment was allowed.
Even a few years ago it was the same. We were coming back from Florida (with her driving in a pouring rainstorm and myself sleeping in the back seat), and while passing in between two semis in a white fog she turns fully around and yells "Are you sleeping?" She wouldn't turn forward until I answered properly.
Dinnertime was always an interrogation session, she was a lawyer, and anything said could and most definitely would be used against us in the future. I still dream of the stomping up the stairs bursting the bedroom door wide open followed by criticism of something previous. Any time day or night. There was no escape.
My sister fought her with extended screaming sessions and became successful. I regressed inward.
So the swim team also got taken away eventually.

4). In summery of the above:
As a youth I thought no one really listened to what I really wanted to say. And that requires a proper relaxed environment where it can be possible. This absolutely requires a "safe environment". No judgement. No blame. Just put the pieces out there and find them all. Communication is a two-way street and she needs to be able to express her angst while it is possible to mend. The real subconscious issues are deep and will only come out into the open when it is safe. Those are the inner voices which guide a person's long term behavior with self esteem throughout their entire lifetime, and through so many different events and situations. Most often they are covered up for life like a cyst. You can force upon another certain temporary behaviors but you can't force well being.

I grew up in the 1980's as a rebel against everything but I'm sure kids these days are dealing with much more difficult issues. Now there is pure chaos and a lot of hate in the mixed-messaging forced upon kids these days. As a decent childhood artist I stopped drawing when I believed the only future jobs available were only corporate advertising. I also believed that all companies were corporations. And all corporations were evil. That was the message during those times.
It was mostly wrong, of course. Everything has a function. Even the bad.

Learning anything new is always a cross-platform exercise which solely benefits the individual.
And combining ideas is the future...!!!
Those people are teaching essential things incorrectly, but that shouldn't devalue the concepts in any way.
Once long ago, people living in truly horrid primitive conditions spent years creating those higher forms of thought and advancement which we consider a given.
Honor them instead.
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My advice:
Although I severely dislike the cults of Scientology and NVC('non violent communication') they do emphasis some good techniques:
1) Scientology sez when you hit your thumb with a hammer, keep hitting it until it doesn't hurt anymore. Go over it again and again until the brain is not affected and you are not afraid of it anymore or flinch.

2). NVC sez to listen to what another person and then repeat it back to them. "So my understanding is that you are saying A and B and C. Is that correct? Could you explain to me more?" It's a method of lying basically. You don't have to agree with the person but you can make them show you all their emotional cards without revealing you own opinion. It also subconsciously slides you into the position of dominance in the conversation.

3) When I put my dog outside on a nice day he looks sad like he's being rejected. So give him some love and maybe a treat outside. Now being outside is a good thing. Other things to explore. Positive reinforcement resets his mindset. That works with people as well. Sometimes humans are smart enough to figure out who created the original unpleasant situation.

4). The family should go for walks and just spend good time together relaxed. Let your daughter decide where to go and give her control as an adult. Go for walks around her school and show her it's just a small piece of land, a small building, and occasionally she has to deal with some crappy people there. Just like everyone else. The world is much bigger than that.

5). You and her mother will have to do some changing as well. Skip the blame and expectations and walls. Learn to bite your tongue and accept her as a young adult who will make 'mistakes'. You both need to create a neutral mental playing ground where everyone can co-exist as a family. That will last longer and be more important than anything else in her entire life.