[GH85Carrera]

I was digging through my archives looking for some old files and stumbled across this gem from the 1980s. Some rather sexist stuff in the list, so if you are easily offended don't read further. It is pretty funny however.


1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase
5. Monday Night Football
7. Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars
9. Old friends don't give a hoot whether you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind
11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
12. Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.
14. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
25. You see the humor in Terms Of Endearment.
27. You never have to clean the toilet
28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
33. The National College Cheerleaders Championship.
34. You don't have to shave below your neck.
35. None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry.
37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into non-trivial pissing contests.
40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be President (In this lifetime).
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about others people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a damn if anyone notices your new haircut.
59. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, "he must be mad at me."
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your private parts.
64. One mood, all the time!
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
69. Same work... more pay!
70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency pants adjustment.
72. Wedding dress: $2000; Tuxedo rental: $75.
73. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' deserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's SportsCenter.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties are way better than bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friend you've changed.
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
92. You think the idea of punching a total jerk is OK.
93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So.... Notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There's always a race on somewhere.