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I’ve been having these sorts of existential questions lately myself. There is no right answer, if there is any answer at all.
Six weeks ago this coming Saturday I lost my little dog Maddie. She was the light of my life. Her loss kicked my ass HARD. I realize that I took many years of our time together for granted. It was as if I thought we would be together forever. Then it struck me – that’s the way I treat my marriage all to often. I could lose Vicki at any time because that’s what life is, a prelude to death.
Now I hug Vicki a little tighter and a little longer if we are parting for any reason. I don’t miss a chance to give her a kiss and tell her I love her. I hold her hand or rest my hand on her body all night. But there is this nagging sense of “What’s the use? It all ends the same way anyhow”. Sometimes I just want to sit in a dark closet and wait for my own end, and sometimes I want to get the most out of what I have left. Frankly, I cry a lot. I miss my dog. I miss my youth. I miss my libido, I miss my athleticism. I want to get through a day without any physical or emotional pain, but that life is behind me. All I see in front of me is pain and loss. Getting old sucks big time.
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