[Victor]

First off, sorry for posting this in the 911 Tech Forum. I have found the issue below really entertaining and figured that with well over 1000 posts, I am due to have one shoved into the OT forum. Moderators, feel free to send this there as soon as you see this.

Hey - it's Friday.

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So I open the mail a couple of weeks ago to discover a parking infringement notice ($100) for allegedly parking in a no standing zone in front of the local convenience store at 9:50AM on a Sunday morning. I must have been buying bacon, eggs, milk or possibly - baguettes.

You are now asking yourself what's so wrong or unusual with this picture. So here's the drum:

Being the inquisitive type, I call the number listed on the fine and ask the call centre operator why there was no infringement notice stuck to the windscreen of my car (this is the norm in most civilised countries in the world) and on what evidence they are basing their allegations. She is informed that they have a photo of my car. I ask whether I can access this image of the alleged crime.

She says "I don't think so - I need to check with my supervisor if we need to show you the picture or not". It turns out that the local council has outsourced the administration of parking infringements to a private company. After a bit of digging I find out they can't find the photo. Apparently "IT" are having difficulty retrieving the image from the archival system.

Now, I am not a terribly aggressive person - but hearing this made me leap out of my comfortable, leather clad office chair. I gather my emotions, loosen the top button on my shirt and thank the call centre operator for it's understanding and hang up the phone.

I smell a rat and start thinking. Surely, this sort of thing cannot happen in a modern society governed by excessive undertones of political correctness, freakish public liability law suits and mind boggling privacy laws. I call the local council responsible for issuing the fine and ask to speak their privacy officer as a way of finding out where my image may be located and who may have access to it. I get put through to the IT manager who flippantly informs me that some sort of new system has been put in place and "this new system should not have been unleashed on the general public without satisfactory results of a detailed impact study".

Now, I do not recall blowtorching the man's toes to get a confession. He just came out and said that on his own accord. Perhaps he too had some reason to want to blow up his grey cubicle.

At this stage, I am convinced that there are more fun ways of spending $100. And then, there is the little niggling issue of principle.

So I ask to speak with the person(s) in charge of local laws for a "please explain". I get put through to a disgruntled sounding individual who sounds like a cross between the toxic avenger and the last person you got ripped off by buying a used car. I politely explain the above scenario and ask him to please furnish me with a copy of the photo. Further to this, I inquire as to who the f*ck they think they are taking happy snaps of people picking up bagels on the f*cking weekend. He starts banging on about the store owner who apparently assaulted the parking officer for stalking / victimising his customers. Seems this is having an adverse effect on the sale of kosher meats. I inform the toxic avenger that this is a matter for the police - and not me. I may have an authoritative and commanding tone, but there are some things best left to the boys in blue.

To my astonishment, the photo arrives in the mail three days later.

Apprehensively, I open the envelope - secretly hoping that the picture does not make my arse look fat. Sure enough, there is a photo of a grey hatch positioned in a no standing zone behind a white delivery van. (Porsche content: my daily driver is a 3.2 Carrera I have a VW Golf used by the good lady wife for shopping / taking kid to school duties).

Now there are several things wrong with this picture:

- The photo is blurry
- It has been taken from the other side of a major road without zoom
- You can't distinguish the license plate (it's about 2mm long in the photo)
- You can't tell that either "my" car and the delivery van are stationary
- The photo is not date and time stamped
- There are about 10,000 identical cars in the area

I call back the toxic avenger (let's call him "Stanley" to protect the incapable) in charge of local council laws and explain the above in a simplified language he can understand. He proceeds to inform me that there are three legitimate methods for the serving and enforcement of parking infringements.

1. A ticket affixed to the front windscreen at the time of the offence (I have had many of these and always cheerfully paid them well within the "due by" date"
2. A photo of the alleged offence
3. The "say-so" of a parking officer

Now, most people will buy point 1. Point 2 is strange, but confronted with satisfactory evidence most law abiders will readily buckle to authority and fork out the greenbacks. But the mere suggestion that the "say-so" of a parking officer is sufficient evidence of illegal activity would be interpreted by anyone with an iota of self respect as a perverse miscarriage of justice.

I ask "Stanley" to provide me with a copy of the governing legislation that sets the guidelines for the above three points. He tells me to go to the local library and look it up.

Library?

Many decades ago a pop culture icon known as "The Fonz" was implicated in a government backed attempt at making libraries popular with the little kiddies. According to legend, he did this by taking out a library membership during an episode of a little known TV show called "Happy days". Some of you may remember this. According to US government statistics, this transparent ploy worked on 400,000 unsuspecting prepubescents who immediately all rushed off and joined the local library.

I was born in 1970 and therefore spared from this misery. (The TV show AND hanging with geeks at the library). But I digress.

So I get back on the phone and call "VicRoads" - the state government department in charge of ANYTHING to do with our streets. According to the web site "VicRoads serves the community by managing the Victorian road network and its use as an integral part of the overall transport system. VicRoads works to achieve improved access, safety and mobility for Victoria's road users." Oh yeah! Now there is a mission statement for the average man.

Almost makes me want to be a part of their vision.

Back to the matter at hand I am due to hear back from the anorak wearing woolly vest clad TWIRP in charge of public access to the appropriate legislation on Monday.

I am at odds with the concept that in this modern day and age parking officers are empowered to the telepathic issuing of fines.

Thank you for reading. I will let you know what happens whether you give a crap or not. I just needed somewhere to vent. Thank you Mr Pelican for providing a potential candidate for a leading role in "Falling Down II" the opportunity to let off a bit of steam in a (relatively) consequence free environment.