[Baz]

John Glenn
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – that every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

Desmond Tutu
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.
They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes.
When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

David Letterman
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

Howard Hughes
I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I’m a billionaire.

Old Italian proverb
After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box.

Betsy Salkind
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ‘em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

Jean Kerr
The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

Zsa Zsa Gabor
I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

Jeff Foxworthy
You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.

Prince Philip
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

Emo Philips
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

Harrison Ford
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

Spike Milligan
The best cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Robin Hall
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.

Jean Rostand
Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.

W.H. Auden
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

Jonathan Katz
In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

Johnny Carson
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

Warren Tantum
I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.

Steve Martin
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

Jimmy Durante
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

Doug Hanwell
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

George Roberts
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

Jonathan Winters
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

Robert Benchley
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.