[Por_sha911]

This song is called "Alice's Restaurant." It's about Alice, ... and the restaurant. But "Alice's Restaurant" is not the name of the restaurant, that's just the name of the song, and that's why I call the song "Alice's Restaurant."

You can get anything you want, at Alice's restaurant.
You can get anything you want, at Alice's restaurant.
Walk right in, it's around the back.
Just a half a mile from the railroad track.
You can get anything you want, at Alice's restaurant.

Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago, that is two years ago on Thanksgiving, when my friend and I went up to visit Alice at the restaurant. But Alice doesn't live in the restaurant, she lives in the church nearby the restaurant, in the bell tower with her husband Ray and Fascia the dog.

And living in the bell tower like that they got a lot of room downstairs where the pews used to be, and having all that room, seeing as how they took out all the pews, they decided that they didn't have to take out their garbage for a long time. We got up there and saw all the garbage and decided it'd be a friendly gesture for us to take the garbage down to the city dump. So we took the half a ton of garbage and put it in the back of a red VW microbus, took shovels, and rakes, and implements of destruction, and headed on toward the city dump.

Well we got there and there's a big sign and chain across the dump saying "Closed on Thanksgiving", and we had never heard of a dump closed on Thanksgiving before, and with tears in our eyes we drove off into the sunset looking for another place to put the garbage. We didn't find one ... till we came to a side road, and off the side of the side road was another 15 foot cliff, and at the bottom of the cliff was another pile of garbage, and we decided that one big pile was better than two little piles, and rather than bring that one up, we decided to throw ours down. This is what we did.

Drove back to the church and had a Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat, and went to sleep and didn't get up until the next morning when we got a phone call from Officer Obie. He said "Kid, we found your name on an envelope at the bottom of a half a ton of garbage, and just wanted to know if you had any information about it..."

And I said "Yes sir, Officer Obie, I cannot tell a lie, I put that envelope under that garbage."

After speaking to Obie for about 45 minutes on the telephone, we finally arrived at the truth of the matter, and he said that we had to go down and pick up the garbage and also had to go down and speak to him at the police officer's station.

So we got into the red VW microbus with the shovels, and rakes, and implements of destruction, and headed on toward the police officer's station.

Now friends, there was only one of two things that Obie could have done at the police station, and the first was he could have give us a medal for being so brave and honest on the telephone, which wasn't very likely, and we didn't expect it, and the other thing was that he could have balled us out and told us never to be seen driving garbage around the vicinity again, which is what we expected.

But when we got to the police officer's station, there was a third possibility that we hadn't even counted upon, and we was both immediately arrested. Handcuffed.

And I said "Obie, I don't think I can pick up the garbage with these handcuffs on".

He said "Shut up kid. Get in the back of the patrol car." And that's what we did, sat in the back of the patrol car and drove to the quote, scene of the crime, unquote.

I want to tell you about the town of Stockbridge Massachusetts where this happened here. They got three stop signs, two police officers, and one police car. But when we got to the scene of the crime, there was five police officers and three police cars, being the biggest crime of the last fifty years, and everybody wanted to get in the newspaper story about it.

And they was using up all kinds of fancy cop equipment that they had hanging around the police officer's station. They was taking plaster tire tracks, foot prints, dog smelling prints, and they took 27 8 by 10 color glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, explaining what each one was, to be used a evidence against us. Took pictures of the approach, the getaway, the northwest corner, the southwest corner, and that's not to mention the aerial photography.

After the ordeal, we went back to the jail, Obie said he was going to put us in the cell.

Said, "Kid I'm gonna put you in the cell. I want your wallet and your belt."

And I said "Obie I can understand you're wanting my wallet so I don't have any money to spend in the cell, but what do you want my belt for..?"

And he said "Kid, we don't want any hangings."

Said "Obie, did you think I was gonna hang myself for littering..?"

Obie said he was making sure, and friend that he has, he took out the toilet seat so I couldn't hit myself over the head and drown. And he took out the toilet paper so I couldn't bend the bars, roll out ... roll the toilet paper out the window, slide down the roll, and have an escape.

Obie was making sure, and it was about four or five hours later that Alice, remember Alice? There's a song about Alice. Alice came by, and with a few nasty words to Obie on the side, bailed us out of jail. We went back to the church, had another Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat, and didn't get up until the next morning when we all had to go to court.

We walked in, sat down. Obie came in, with the 27 8 by 10 color glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, and sat down.

Man came in and said "All rise."

We all stood up, and Obie stood up with 27 8 by 10 color glossy pictures. And the judge walked in and sat down with the seeing eye dog, and he sat down.

We sat down. Obie looked at the seeing eye dog, and then at the 27 8 by 10 color glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, and looked at the seeing eye dog. And then at the 27 8 by 10 color glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, and began to cry cause Obie came to the realization that it was a typical case of American blind justice and there wasn't nothing he could do about it. And the judge wasn't going to look at the 27 8 by 10 color glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, explaining what each one was, to be used as evidence against us.