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A few good ones from Steven Wright:
"Once I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained. So I shot him with a gun with a silencer."
"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
"How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?"
"I'm a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future...just way off to the sides."
"I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?' So I said, "yes officer but I wasn't going to be out that long."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand."
"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"
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