[bryanthompson]

How about Kerry's personal buttler, Marvin Nicholson.

"When he wants that peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I'm ready," Nicholson told the Times.

Among the items Nicholson carries at all times:

* Loose change - apparently in case the husband of millionairess Teresa Heinz wants to leave one of his notoriously meager tips.

* Tylenol, Advil, Advil Liquid Gels and Advil Sinus pills - lest continuing questions about his Vietnam War record give him a migraine.

* Swedish hand cream - because good old American-made Vaseline Intensive Care just isn't good enough.

* Halls cough drops - in case the silver spoon in Kerry's begins to irritate.

* A Ziplock bag with Kerry's favorite PB & J sandwich wrapped in aluminum foil.

* Scope mouthwash, Handiwipes, two packs of Band-Aids, a sewing kit, a can of diet milkshake [Kerry prefers strawberry], a tube of Blistex and a myriad of other accouterments that the hoi poloi who can't afford a butler must provide for themselves.

And for catering to the candidate's every whim, the fabulously wealthy Heinz-Kerrys pay Nicholson a wildly generous (by Kerry's standards) $45,000 annually.