[Overpaid Slacker]

Dan Rather: "Our Long National Nightmare is Over"
(2005-01-10) -- Veteran CBS News anchor Dan Rather greeted today's release of the 224-page report on the 60 Minutes 'memogate' scandal by saying, "Our long national nightmare is over. Now is the time, in fact, it is past time to move on."

The report showed that Mr. Rather, and at least four colleagues, suffered from a condition called 'myopic zeal,' which is apparently terminal in four-out-of-five cases.

"Usually, the buck stops here," said Mr. Rather. "But in this case, the buck stopped over there. So, now I return to the seat of trust, behind the desk of integrity at CBS."

After his retirement from the CBS Evening News in March, Mr. Rather said he may pursue doing commercial endorsements.

"My agent has already been contacted by Dupont," he said, "about a series of educational TV spots on the benefits of Teflon."

CBS Switches to Reality Gameshow Format

(2005-01-11) -- When life hands you a lemon, the old saying goes, make lemonade. CBS News President Andrew Heyward is doing just that, announcing today that the CBS Evening News with Dan Rather will be re-launched on March 10 as Myopic Zeal: The CBS Evening News Gameshow.

"It's edgy, it's hip and it capitalizes on our key asset -- intermittent credibility," said Mr. Heyward, who survived a recent epidemic of myopic zeal which proved terminal for four of his staff. "Since the internal investigation report, viewers have wondered if we could ever be trusted again. Instead of trying to rebuild that shattered credibility, which would take years and millions of dollars, we're going to roll with the punches."

The new show will feature the same set, the same reporters and the same style as Evening News Classic, but during each segment viewers can go to a website and vote on which elements of each story may be false, or at least lacking adequate authentication. Prizes will include cash and a chance to become a 'Myopic Zeal' correspondent for a day, which includes the full training course in ethics which 'big-time journalists' now receive.

"It gets the viewers involved in the story in a way that was possible before only on a blog," said Mr. Heyward. "We've taken a hard look at the blogosphere and decided, if you can't beat them, join them. We'll even let the viewers vote on why the errors were made, whether by myopic zeal, political subterfuge or gross incompetence."

The embattled news czar said production costs for the new show would be the same as the old, "since the reporters and producers won't have to do anything differently."

The network has begun talks with Mr. Rather's talent agent in hopes of pulling him out of semi-retirement to sign him as 'anchor' for the new show.

"For decades, Dan Rather has been our face and voice of intermittent credibility and myopic zeal," said Mr. Heyward. "Sure, there are others in this industry who are as zealous and as credible but he's the Tiffany anchor, having done for this network what anchors do best."