Grab a beer or a cup of coffee, this is going to be long
First I'd like to state that I have the greatest respect for the people who put on a badge and by choice do a job that I wouldn't/couldn't do. For them a good day at work means they go home alive, a bad day means they go home in a box. Those are working conditions that I couldn't handle.
That said.................
I was headed home this morning (around 2:00AM) after a late night at my daughters. Pizza, root beer, movies and father daughter bonding , thats all. Admittedly I was driving faster than the posted limit. I live in the foothills and at that time of night traffic is almost nonexistant coupled with the familiaraity of the road driving faster than the posted speed limit is the norm. The area is patrolled by the CHP and LASD. Having lived here for some time I've encountered most of the regulars and have a decent repore with them. The few occasions that I have been stopped, generally resulted in a professionally delivered warning . Last night was different. I hadn't seen anyone setting by the side of the road but suddenly my rear view mirror is RED all RED. Knowing fully what I was doing wrong I pulled over, off the two lane paved roadway, put my truck in park, rolled my window about halfway down and turned off the motor. I turned off my headlights but left the park lights on and turned on the dome light. My first thought when the officer (LASD) stepped up to my window was how freakin young this guy looked. Kinda like Rick Schroeder from NYPD Blue. I was tempted to ask him if his mother knew he was out bed but chose not to instead. Rare moment of wisdom. He asked the typical Q's. License, registration. insurance and did I know why he pulled me over? I provided all the documentation he requested answered his question in the affirmative and as he retreated to his car I rolled my window back up as it was cold. After a couple minutes he returned and asked me to step out of my vehicle. He's still very professional and I complied by following him to the back of my truck and in front of his car. Just then a CHP car arrived and pulled up behind Sheriffs car. No big deal I'm thinking, rural road, late at night, I think they call this stacking the deck. The CHP officer approached the sheriff and they exchanged greetings that made me think they knew each other. The sheriff then asks me if I had been drinking. Nothing at all I answered. Where are you coming from he asks. I tell him my daughters.
"And you've had nothing to drink?"
"Thats why I said "Nothing at all".
"Then you wouldn't mind if I asked you to perform a couple simple tasks"?
I answere" I wouldn't mind but this isn't the place to do it".
"Excuse me? Why's that?" he asks
I respond"well it's dark, we're standing on an uneven gravel surface thats only lit by your headlights, I'm tired, shivering from the cold, and I find the flashing lights from the CHP cruiser very dissorienting".
I think I sensed a mood change from the officer.
"Your shivering from the cold? I didn't notice you shivering from the cold when I first spoke to you" he states.
"I was sitting in my truck when we first spoke and I had the heater on " I answere.
The officer takes a couple steps closer to me then say's" OK well this should be easier for you then" he places his pen about six inches from my nose and instructs me to follow the tip as he passes back and forth in front of my face. I tried to follow his pen but my nose was running from the cold, my eyes were watering real bad and everytime I looked to the left I was looking directly into his spot light and I would blink. He asked me to not blink during the test. I tried but found it difficult. He then got a little curse and demanded that I cooperate. I told him "I'll gladly attempt any task you ask but I think you need to be more aware of the conditions your asking me to perform these tasks in".
It was then that the CHP Officer spoke up but I didn't really hear what he said. He walked back to his car and returned with a breathalizer, or whatever the official name of it is. As the CHP is telling me what he wants me to do, the sheriff walks to my truck, looks in through the drivers window and reaches for the door handle. It's locked. He asks why my door is locked. "Must have locked it when I got out, just a habit I guess." "Just a habit "he repeats. Do you mind if I take a quick look in it? "A quick look?" I repeat. "It's for your safety, it's routine". "I assure you there is nothing in my truck that causes me any immediate concerns for my safety". He asks "You don't have any weapons in there do you? Guns, knives, rocket launchers?" "Rocket launchers??" I exclaime "I didn't know this was a known route for trafficing rocket launchers" "Well it's not but we like to keep our eyes open So you don't mind?" he quizzes "If it's not a known route for trafficing rocket launchers why would you suspect I have any? I'd rather you didn't" He then asks "If you don't have anything in your truck ,why don't you want me to look in it?" "I'd be very embarassed if you found some dirty laundry under the seat or something. I'd like to save myself the embarassement" He responds sternly with "I'm not your mother I couldn't care less where you keep your dirty laundry".
The results from the first test come up on the breathalizer 0.01. Must be the olive oil from the pizza I hear some have a little alcohol in them. Retest.....0.01 maybe it's just bad breath?
The rookie now states that he's going to have my truck impounded if I don't give him permission to look inside my truck. I respond"You don't need my permission to search. The fact that I refuse to give you permission gives you the authority to perform a reasonable search" The CHP officer says "He'll probably take out that window if you keep eggin him on" so I handed him my keys he passes them to the sheriff who proceeds to take EVERY FREAKING thing he can lift out of my truck and tosses it into the bed.
Here's an interesting note, the seat back upholstry on a 2000 Dodge Dakota Sport comes off if you pull up on it real hard. Makes it very handy for cleaning coffee stains. I didn't know that till now. It was when he threw a $450.00 pair of Bushnell fieldglass' in the back that I asked if he could be a little more considerate of my things. The CHP looked at me and quietly said "You pissed the rookie off, you might want to shut up while your still able to go home". It was all I could do to not laugh out loud. Just then the CHP officer reaches into the bed of my truck, grabs a jacket and after checking all the pockets, hands it to me. He then joins the sheriff who is intent on finding some contriband in my truck even if it means he'll have to vacuum the carpet to find it. He even looked under the hood!! Both of them went around and under my truck with flashlights blazing.
After thoroughly inspecting my truck and sharing his opinion of me, the sheriff states that I still have a ticket coming for speeding. But get this, it's the CHP who pulls out his book and starts writing. The sheriff has handed the CHP my license and other papers, gets in his car and just sits there staring at the computer. .But the CHP doesn't write me for the 80(no freakin way was I doing 80) in a 45 that the sheriff says I was doing. He writes me for having two bald tires on the front of my truck! WTF? He hands me the ticket, instructs me to secure my belongings in the back of my truck "quickly AND quietly" and slow down the rest of my way home. The sheriff pulls away, I give him a couple minutes to get waaaaayy ahead of me then I pull out slowly and head home SLOWLY, even used my turn signals when I got to my driveway.
All said and done Cops are still cool, even the rookies
