[Zeke]

I was raised going to nice restaurants. We had lots of good restaurants to choose from. The difference between a good restaurant and an average one is consistency and service. Five star restaurants just take that to a higher level.

Today, I don't go to restaurants. Servers, (what I used refer to as waiters) don't have a clue. It's not a profession anymore. A good waiter is part butler, part psychologist, is well traveled, informed and knows his food. He knows when to be there and when to be around the corner. And no one, I mean no one, comes up to the table when you are in the process of eating unless there is a need or they have been summoned. And the cardinal rule is to never ask, "Is everything OK?" If you are in a decent restaurant, they know if things are OK and don't have to be solicitously extracting your approval so you'll leave a bigger tip.

The moment I hear that, I deduct 2% and keep reducing the gratuity by a similar amount for each infraction. But, that's a different topic. The thing is, when you are dining less than 8, you decide the tip and when dinners are a buck and a quarter each, you're tipping 25 a plate. For that, I expect the best service possible. But, that doesn't happen anymore, so I quit eating out.

It also doesn't help that I'm a vegetarian. That would be for 21 years, now. A few years ago, I went to dinner at the Ritz-Carlton in Dana Point. I'm in the grand solon of restaurants with chandeliers from a Russian palace and there is nothing on the menu for me to eat. No problem in a 5-star restaurant, they should be able to prepare you anything you want. A menu is simply a suggestion. So, this clown brings me something that he'll "have the kitchen prepare especially for (me)."

Turns out I get the greasiest plate of brazed vegetables with some Uncle Bens. For about 16 bucks. Never been back to that hole.

But, the question was how much has one spent on dinner. Well, some 30 years ago, for my grandparents 50th, my folks had a banquet at a 5-star French restaurant, the name of which has escaped me for years as they closed down a few years later.

The table was set with linen, crystal and china, as you would expect. The centerpiece was a magnificent affair with gilded leaves that trailed down and off to each place setting like the tentacles of an octopus. There were about 30 guests and 10 waiters, bussers, a captain and a sommelier. Dinner took 4 hours and we never stopped being served a course or getting the wine changed to the next variety. The final act was the finest brandy, slightly warmed in the snifter with an alcohol torch. After a moment, they tipped the glass and let the warm brandy flame for just a few seconds. Smoother than honey. Get your head by just holding the glass up to your nose. In today's money, out the door with the valets, the whole works, would have easily been 250 a copy.

I don't believe for a second that could be duplicated. Now for the fun: My wife returned from NYC last year and had to go to what?, the Four Seasons or something for lunch. She couldn't afford dinner there. Hamburgers were $30. Cracks me up. I think that day I ate all day for the amount of her tip.