[Jeff Higgins]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

************************************************** **

An Irish drunk staggers into a Catholic Church in Dublin, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

************************************************** **

An Irishman, obviously new to America, wanders into the local bar one Tuesday evening. He takes a stool at the end of the bar and orders two pints of Guinness.

As he sits there quietly sipping alternately from each, the other patrons can't help but notice this odd behavior. When he finishes after several rounds like this, he gets up and says a polite "good night" and leaves.

This goes on every Tuesday for some time until the bartender finally asks him what is going on. "Oh, simple" he says. "When I came to New York, I left me dear brother behind in Dublin. We used to spend every Tuesday at the pub, lifting a pint. So, when we parted company, we agreed to do so until we meet again. The one is mine; the other is 'his'. We do this in each other's honor."

Well, everyone in the bar thought that was rather touching. Eventually, he became a fixture at the bar; showing up every Tuesday for years.

Then one Tuesday he only ordered one pint. He seemed rather glum, and no one quite knew what to say. Finally, the bartender worked up the nerve to say something. "I see you only ordered one pint tonight. I just don't know what to say - we are all just stunned. The only thing I can say, for all of us, is that we are sorry. You must miss your brother terribly..."

"Ah yes, I do miss 'im terribly. I only wish he could be with me here today."

"Well, if there is anything we can do for you, to ease your loss...."

"Loss? Whatever are you speaking of?"

"Your brother. We see you only ordered the one pint..."

"Oh sweet Mary; I see your confusion. Please don't worry 'bout me dear brother; 'e is alive and well. It's just that I've quit drinkin'."