[bigchillcar]

my ptsd, with its chronic anxiety and depression fluctuations, has been almost more than i can bear these past 6 years. last summer, some of you know i even tried suicide. i was living in a state park..middle of no where..only one in the park, a cpl miles from the entrance and i just stopped eating one day and kept on sleeping. my gf came out to see me, kissed me goodbye and that was the last i ever saw of her..she'd had enough. i took a entire prescription of xanax, plus all my other pills and downed a bottle of wine, bottle of sherry and one of vodka. my family found me the next day unconscious, but alive..i woke up a day and a half later in the hallway of the local e.r. from there i spent a few days in the 'crisis center' before release. i stayed with family several weeks, sold the rv and bought a home. ever since then, i returned to the gym and began studying for a strength coaching certification exam for which i'm leaving tomorrow to drive to oklahoma city to take on saturday am. wish me luck..i've had the toughest time studying while climbing out of this hole. i might add..and this is important..at the time i tried to end my life, i had decided a cpl weeks earlier to quit all my meds 'cold turkey'..i was taking gabatril, cymbalta and wellbutrin..all at the same time and just stopped. don't ever do that..

anyway, i still think about suicide, but something happened that has made me stop and consider the consequences of this route. i'm 40, but my 27 year old brother has recently 'come down' with an anxiety disorder (gee..is it any wonder dad was a raging alcoholic because of anxiety? wonder if there's a genetic link..wink, wink). anyway, now i have a responsibility to him. it would be a terrible legacy for him to see his older brother, who has been like the only 'dad' he's ever had, kill himself over something that he's now having to learn how to fight. it's like now i don't have an 'exit pass'. i have to stick around, if for no other reason than to support him. and i'm kind of like randy now..not really big on 'relationships'..gonna take a special woman to repair trust in women for me after feeling abandoned by one. sure i was sick, but..i'd not have abandoned her.
ryan