Quote:
Originally posted by nostatic
And just to reinforce a couple of other comments: one of THE most important things is for *you* to figure out why you chose her, and why you stuck around so long. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but your situation says a lot about you, your past, and your personality. If you don't get to the root issues, you will just repeat this pattern with the next one (ask me how I know). This is critically important: find a good shrink and get to the very difficult and painful work of figuring out why you unconciously believe that you are not worthy of a good relationship. Our unconcious mind is incredibly powerful, and drives us to do things that we don't even realize. You would not believe the things I've sorted out over the last month...so many past decisions make sense in light of how my unconcious mind works. I though I was doing something for a particular reason, but the real drivers were totally different...
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As many here can attest, including myself, sometimes it takes a trauma, some form of "hitting bottom" in order for us to awaken. The episode (s) can be the springboard to an awakening that we have not really had much of a vote in our lives. As Todd suggests, something else is running our show. A key component of the "something else" can be that the relationship we have with ourselves is fundamentally dishonest. Realizing that can be a shocker. After all, from where, from whom did we ever learn to have an honest intimate relationship with ourselves, or with anyone else for that matter? For the most part, healthy human functionality is rarely modeled.
Our primary care-givers didn't have "It" to model for us; their vote was cancelled by their own self-alienation - and it's a multi-generational thing. In fact, being asleep is a natural and appropriate by-product of the early formation of the personality of the ego - formed as a defensive survival strategy that allows us to cope w/our early family experiences as well as society in general.
So we motor along in life under this influence of mistaken identity...we think that who we are is the mental content of our egoic energies (false self) rather than our True, our Real Self that awaits us in Beingness.
Once we gather the appropriate information, our critical self-examination, our deep personal enquiry can begin.
We begin to see that more is possible (remember Peggy Lee - "Is That All There Is?"), we learn to identify those unconscious drives prior to acting them out, we learn self-forgiveness, we begin to get out of our own way, we begin to realize that we are not alone, we finally begin to live.
We often look back and are grateful for the episode (s) that triggered it all.
At some point, we become better relationship material...we can finally choose to have an intimate relationship with another person that is not inferior to the one that we have with our Self.
The above is greatly simplified, I know.
ps My awakening was triggered ~24 yrs. ago when my fiancé had an affair. I fell off the floor, I was mortified by how deeply alone I was, there was simply no one in there. Now that's a trauma.
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"when you lose, don't lose the lesson"
