Dear Chris,
The time has come, all will be revealed to you about the fate of the White Stag. You will be picked up at 6:34:21 PM on this Saturday (12/2/06). The driver will be someone you know but they will not know everything. Do not ask any questions, I will know if you do.
In order to prepare yourself you need to follow along:
1. Do not ask questions
2. Do not tell anyone you are going out
3. Chrissy should accompany you to make sure your manhood is not compromised.
4. You must be showered and freshly shaven. Please comb your hair.
5. Dress from head to toe in nogaro blue including socks and skivvies.
6. In your left front pocket put one 10 mm socket, a small roll of electrical tape and a piece of chewing gum.
7. Post on the Pelican BBS a post saying that you have found that the meaning of life is full contact midget wrestling in a vat of blue raspberry jello. During your post you must mention the words “nogaro blue” 11 times.
But the word blue cannot appear more than once in every second sentence, use a minimum of 50 words.
8. Chant “A Porsche is a precision driving instrument, not a battering ram”
13 times exactly at midnight on Friday while looking into a mirror and holding a lit candle.
9. Buy a pair of fuzzy dice in a color of your choice. Tie one of them to each of your shoes.
10. Blindfold yourself and wait outside your garage for your driver. While you wait you need to hold a fresh can of Mountain Dew. Wear a jacket, it may get cold where you are going.
Failure to comply with these steps will ruin it all for you. There is a large block of concrete and steel that is precariously suspended over your car that can be remotely triggered to return it to the shape that we found it in. All it will take is the flick of a switch and I have twitchy fingers.
We will be in touch.
- A Friend
