[legion]

From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named
FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as
a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person
called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there
at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon
when the call came. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are
the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing
kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy ••••, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not
sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had
to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.
Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use
of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I'm getting ••••-faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out
taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind
me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. wench is
starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste
I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I
told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I
wonder if I'm burning my lips off?

It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic.Superb!

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I •••• myself when I
farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't
feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3.
He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a •••• thing. I've lost
the sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my
mouth. My pants are full of lava-like ••••
to match my •••• shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful.
Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it
in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced
chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
of it was lost when Judge Number 3
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down
on top of himself. Not sure if the's going to make it.
Poor Yank, wonder how he'd
have reacted to a really hot chili?

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)