[Dennis Kalma]

Ok Stijn, you asked for it.....

Did a bit of checking about the characteristics of those from the rebellious Dutch province of Belgium, restricting myself to only free sites of course, and remarkably, there was quite a lot of material....all equally true as well....



1. Asparagus: Treasured and worshiped annually in Belgium for about a month. The sadly short asparagus season is an annual opportunity to spend a vast fortune on green and white bits of wood dripping in garlic and butter.

2. Bakery: Warm and cosy Belgian building in which a variety of forms of happiness can be obtained in exchange for one or two coins. No matter where you stand in Belgium, you are within 100 metres of a bakery. Transformed on Sunday mornings into claustrophobic spaces full of robust women purchasing enormous paper boxes of sticky tarts.

3. Bart: The name of all male Belgians from the top flat bit.

4. Brick: The basic atomic unit of Belgium. Belgium is in essence a pile of bricks. Mainly comes in a muddy brown colour, but occasional yellow, red and tan variations can be almost pleasing to the eye.

5. Bruges: A small town in the west of Flanders, entirely occupied by English tourists and lace shops.

6. Brussels: A particularly large pile of bricks and concrete located roughly in the middle of Belgium. Full of foreigners.

7. Bureaucracy: A Belgian art form. The process of making an apparently simple task rather less straightforward than it first appeared by positioning carefully drafted bits of paper between the subject and their desired object. Can often be circumvented by discovering an appropriate shortcut (citing the name of an appropriately eminent Belgian, ignoring the rules, obstinacy, etc.)

8. Coast: A strip of sand at the western edge of Belgium that the entire country flocks to when the sun comes out.

9. Cobbles: Common ancient road surface of which thousands of kilometers remain throughout Belgium. Probably acts as a fertility control by rendering many inhabitants sexually sterile after spending their formative years navigating cobbled roads on a bicycle.

10. Congo: The Belgian empire. A bit politically sensitive. Say no more.

11. Customers: People who lack the patience and understanding to appreciate how hard it is to run a business in Belgium. By treating them with the disrespect that they deserve you will force them to appreciate the personal sacrifices that those in Belgian service industries are making for them. Adopt the maxim "the customer is always wrong" and your business will flourish.

12. Duvel: A legendary trap for foreigners. A seemingly harmless golden liquid that looks refreshing and spiritually uplifting. In reality a brew of the devil, designed to reach into the soul and extract foolishness, talkativeness, speech disorders and nausea.

13. Eurocrat: Overpaid undertaxed foreign temporary resident whose friends are also overpaid undertaxed foreign temporary residents who serve on committees to investigate the development of research programs to promote concepts of sustainable growth in marginal regions and to raise money to overpay undertaxed foreign temporary residents.

14. Europe: A nominal extension of Belgium. Not much is known in Belgium about what lies out there, except that it periodically comes to Belgium and is generally full of foreigners. Europe does provide a useful theme for Belgian souvenir shops, in the absence of a well entrenched national image that can be sold as dolls, t-shirts, teaspoons etc.

15. European Union: A cunning Belgian invention to force foreigners to stop periodically invading them and disrupting the witloof harvest.

16. Foreigner: A person who is not from Belgium. Foreigners are very welcome to visit Belgium so long as they don't make too much noise and remember to leave and take their mess away with them afterwards. Also occasionally used for someone from the "other half" of Belgium.

17. French: A language allegedly spoken by many Belgians, particularly those from the lumpy bottom bit, and concrete bit in the middle. Often bares only a passing resemblance to French spoken in other parts of the World. Also used in Flanders as a collective term for occupants of the lumpy bottom bit of Belgium.

18. Leek: A prolific Belgian winter ground cover, miniature forests of which can be seen in allotments and backyards. Comes in two forms, fat and skinny. Belgian fanaticism over leeks makes the Welsh look like rank amateurs.

19. Lunchtime: An ill-defined time of day that generally spans a considerable part of the 12.00-14.30 slot when useful outlets such as banks, sandwich stores, post offices and bakeries are quite likely to be completely closed.

20. Manneken Pis: The most famous, immodest Belgian. Always smaller than expected (not the least in total height) but no less ridiculous. Likes to dress up. May have had a bit too much Duvel…

21. Mud: A gooey brown substance that covers much of the Belgian countryside for most of the year.

22. Pneumatic drill: Precisely what not to buy an average Belgian for their Christmas. Otherwise they will rush out and join hundreds of their countrymen in the national campaign to prevent Belgium becoming covered in a layer of concrete. Every day these loyal national servants furiously savage vast stretches of pavements and roadway in an endless battle against national concretisation.

23. Rain: A tangible dampness that falls on Belgium exclusively during the twelve month long wet season. Belgians actually seem to think that it rains every day, which is not in fact true. Except in November. And July.

24. Tax evasion: The Belgian national sport. Played annually and gleefully, at its most extreme involving regular mysterious trips to Luxembourg.

25. Wallonia: The lumpy bottom bit of Belgium.

26. Waterloo: The site of one of the turning points in world history, marked by an enormous pile of dirt topped by a copper lion. There is an interactive visitors' centre where the day can be redeemed by buying toy soldiers and watching a surreal film about some small children running through a hay meadow.

27. Witloof: A curious bitter vegetable that is positively venerated by Belgians. Adoration of this vegetable reaches its peak during the winter season, when crowds can be season inspecting and sniffing candidate purchases at market places. Referred to as "chicory" in other countries and usually fed to pigs.

28. Yves: The name of all male Belgians from the bottom lumpy bit.

I suspect you have "Hollandized" (Hollandaised?) your name....it was really Bart or Yves originally wasn't it?

I may have to have a drink now, too much truth for one night....

Dennis