[notfarnow]

One of my favorite party stories:

About 6-7 years ago I was at my girlfriend's house. We hadn't been dating long.

We were watching TV, when all of a sudden I DESPERATELY had to take a dump. I knew when it comes on that fast & powerfully, it is going to be dramatic. Because we hadn't been dating long, there was NO WAY I could unload there.

I stood up, and said "I better go home, I'm tired and I have to work tomorrow." She was surprised, and asked if everything was OK. My insides were gurgling. Panic was setting in, my hands were getting sweaty. I insisted I had to go, and was a bit kurt.

I got in the car, and sped to the highway. It's a short hop to my house on the highway; I figured I could make it. Then, I felt what could only be described as a contraction. I undid the top button of my pants and put the pedal down. Doing ~85 mph. My back was sweaty.

At this point, I was considering the possibility that I wasn't going to make it home. What would I do? Go on the side of the highway? What would I wipe my a$$ with?

Then I see the blue & red lights. I couldn't believe it.

I pull over. I sit waiting, my bowels pulsing and my toes writhing. The cop walks up, and I recognize him as someone I met through a friend of a friend

He asks:
"Mr Palmer, What seems to be the rush this evening?"

"To be honest officer, I am going to $hit my pants"

"Pardon me?"

I show him that my top button is undone, and repeat:
"I swear to god - I am not trying to be funny - I am going to $hit my pants any minute now. I am trying to make it home, but I don't think I am going to make it."

He laughs, and asks if I'm serious. I say I am.

He says, "OK, you still live at the same place?" (He had dropped by with my friend once) I said yes.

He pulls in front of me with the lights on. Does 75-80 the whole way. When he came to my road, he shut off the lights and tapped his brake light. I think he waved but can't really remember

Without giving all the gory details, I made it JUST IN TIME

Anyone else ever get a police escort to the $hitter?