[rammstein]

Worked my butt off all the way through college. Spent time indoors studying when I could have been out doing something fun during my youth. Got an engineering job with a software company. Felt like it was a black hole of inefficiency and bull, so I quit. Got a job as a real estate rental agent. Found out that even the best struggle to make $40k/yr at that. Quit that and got a job in commercial real estate sales. I discovered that I am not very good at sales, because I can't handle lying and bull$hitting every day to people who have more money than god and don't even know what to do with it. I can't tell a person to buy or sell something just because it will make me a commission. I also don't have the advantage of a trust fund or a network of close family friends looking to invest millions into real estate, so I have to fight, claw, kill my way into even a pittance of money. So I quit that and now I am still in commercial real estate, but now I just work as an analyst for an agent who actually has business going on. The guy I work for goes on benders 2-3 times weekly and disappears for most of each week. He is a frickin loser, and with the contacts he has he should be making 3 times as much as he does. But he is younger than I am and has made more money in the last year than I have my entire life, so clearly as much as I loathe him he is doing something I am not.

I haven't made real money in 4 years since I quit the engineering job. I now have no car at all. Use my wife's car. Almost half of the money I am supposed to make is in the form of commission sharing, and I don't even trust that to come through.

I feel like all the way up to graduating college, I had a path, a plan. I had measurable successes that could be recounted in tough times. Since graduation day, I don't think I have accomplished a thing. I don't know what the hell to do, I can't very well go make a drastic decision, because every time I do that it seems I make an even worse situation than the one before. I tried to find another job a few months back, but my resume shows WAY too many jobs in the last 4 years, and employers are rightly put off by this. If I could get a job as an analyst at a REAL company for a REAL broker, I could be making very good money. But it looks like I will have to wait a few years. Nothing like wasting 3 years, or 5% of your life!

I really find myself wanting to go out and dig ditches or something. Maybe I should join the military and at least have a frickin job to do every morning, and know where my life is going.

I guess its at times like this I wish I had religion, so I could have a 'Purpose Driven Life'. The problem is that I can't become religious simply out of convenience for myself. I would have to believe it, and I don't. I can't.

I know I have all of these things to be thankful for- wife, family, friends, good health. But none of that gives me a reason to get up in the morning to come in here for 8-10 hours and work for less than I value myself. I mean, just because things could be far worse doesn't give you a purpose, or piece of mind, does it?

Well, I can look forward to going home tonight and packing. My apartment has been converted to a condo, and they are booting us to make renovations. So I am moving to a worse apartment and don't even want to. Luckily, I am sure many bills will get screwed up and my credit rating will be shot to hell after I refuse to pay the incorrect bills, rather than just pay them and thank them for stealing from me. I am great at seeing into the future. The dark, meaningless future.