Funny a** thread. I have a couple of suggestions. If you want the air to be circulated in the house, a whole house fan is the way to go. They can suck all the bad air out of the house in usually 10-15 minutes. Now as far as the hair thing, I would get a Craftsmen Shop Vac with a HEPA filter.
http://www.sears.com/shc/s/p_10153_12605_00917912000P?sbf=Brand&sbv=Craftsman&vName=Tools&cName=Wet-Dry+Vacs&sName=Filters+%26+Accessories
I also just found this air cleaner they have for the house/garage as well.
http://www.sears.com/shc/s/p_10153_12605_00921329000P?vName=Tools&cName=Wet-Dry+Vacs&sbf=Brand&sbv=Craftsman