[ckissick]

If you have time, read this. It's worth it.

SIDE EFFECTS by Steve Martin
(This article originally appeared in The New Yorker, April 13, 1998).

DOSAGE: take two tablets every six hours for joint pain.

SIDE EFFECTS: This drug may cause joint pain, nausea, head-ache, or shortness
of breath. You may also experience muscle aches, rapid heartbeat, and ringing in
the ears. If you feel faint, call your doctor. Do not consume alcohol while taking
this pill; likewise, avoid red meat, shellfish, and vegetables. O.K. foods: flounder.
Under no circumstances eat yak. Men can expect painful urination while sitting,
especially if the penis is caught between the toilet seat and the bowl. Projectile
vomiting is common in thirty percent of users-sorry, fifty per cent. If you undergo
disorienting nausea accompanied by migraine and raspy breathing, double the
dosage. Leg cramps are to be expected; one knee-buckler per day is normal.
Bowel movements may become frequent-in fact, every ten minutes. If bowel
movements become greater than twelve per hour, consult your doctor, or any
doctor, or just anyone who will speak to you.
You may find yourself becoming lost or vague; this would be a good time to
write a screenplay. Do not pilot a plane, unless you are among the ten per cent
of users who experience "spontaneous test-pilot knowledge." If your hair begins
to smell like burning tires, move away from any buildings or populated areas, and
apply tincture of iodine to the head until you no longer hear what could be taken for
a "countdown." May cause stigmata in Mexicans. If a fungus starts to grow between
your eyebrows, call the Guinness Book of World Records. May induce a tendency
to compulsively repeat the phrase "no can do." This drug may cause visions of the
Virgin Mary to appear in treetops. If this happens, open a souvenir shop.
There may be an overwhelming impulse to shout out during a Catholic Mass, "I'm
gonna wop you wid da ugly stick!" You may feel a powerful sense of impending
doom; this is because you are about to die. Men may experience impotence, but
only during intercourse. Otherwise, a powerful erection will accompany your daily
"walking-around time."
Do not take this product if you are uneasy with lockjaw. Do not be near a ringing
telephone that works at 900 MHz or you will be very dead, very fast. We are assuming
you have had chicken pox. You also may experience a growing dissatisfaction with life
along with a deep sense of melancholy - join the club! Do not be concerned if you
arouse a few ticks from a Geiger counter. You might want to get a one-month trial
subscription to Extreme Fighting. The hook shape of the pill will often cause it to
become caught in the larynx. To remove, jam a finger down your throat while a friend
holds your nose to prevent the pill from lodging in a nasal passage. Then throw yourself
stomach first on the back portion of a chair. The expulsion of air should eject the pill out
of the mouth, unless it goes into a sinus cavity, or the brain. WARNING: This drug may
shorten your intestines by twenty-one feet. Has been known to cause birth defects in the
user retroactively. Passing in front of TV may cause the screen to moiré.
Women often feel a loss of libido, including a woo-octave lowering of the voice, an
increase in ankle hair, and perhaps the lowering of a testicle. If this happens, women
should write a detailed description of their last three sexual encounters and mail it to me,
Bob, Trailer Six, Fancyland Trailer Park, Encino, CA. Or E-mail me at hot-guy.com.
Discontinue use immediately if you feel that your teeth are receiving radio broadcasts.
You may experience "lumpy back" syndrome, but we are actively seeking a cure.
Bloated fingertips on the heart-side hand are common. When finished with the dosage,
be sure to allow plenty of "quiet time" in order to retrain the eye to move off stationary
objects. Flotation devices at sea will become pointless, as the user of this drug will
develop a stone-like body density; therefore, if thrown overboard, contact your doctor.
(This product may contain one or more of the following: bungee cord, plankton, rubber,
crack cocaine, pork bladders, aromatic oils, gunpowder, corn husk, glue, bee pollen,
dung, English muffin, poached eggs, ham, Hollandaise sauce, crushed saxophone reeds.)
Sensations of levitation are illusory, as is the sensation of having a "phantom" third arm.
Users may experience certain inversions of language. Acceptable: "Hi, are how you?"
Unacceptable: "The rain in Sprain slays blainly on the phsssst."
Twenty minutes after taking the pills, you will feel an insatiable craving to take another
dose. AVOID THIS WITH ALL YOUR POWER. It is advisable to have a friend
handcuff you to a large kitchen appliance, ESPECIALLY ONE THAT WILL NOT
FIT THROUGH THE DOORWAY TO WHERE THE PILLS ARE. You should also
be out of reach of any weapon-like utensil with which you could threaten friends or family,
who should also be briefed to not give you the pills, no matter how much you sweet-talk them.