Lets see if I can tell you less than experienced men what this biz is all about.
First, you wait for hours...Your wife is reminding you that it is going to hurt unless she gets an Epidural (Livi is that spelled correctly)?. Then as time passes veeerrryyy ssloowlly. Her vocabulary begins to change to epithets and how I should be the one experiencing this..(I am, she just doesn't know how miserable it is)
. The air in the room begins to change to an unfamiliar odor..Like pancake syrup and urine.( I felt like saying "And what the hell is that smell!) Then to the delight you, the seen changes from something out of the movie Alien and a Saturn five liftoff. Grunts and groans like fuel pumps opening on a rocket. uncontrolled discharges of weird looking fluids
green stuff... gag!
Skin being distorted and stretched Sigourney Weaver would be impressed.
My experienced mother in law is even making grunts and groans!
Get this...Then I see the crown of my sons head begin to appear. Holy smokes! I'm thinking..His head looks like it could only be 2 inches in diameter...Next thing..What the hell is he doing with a fro? (I'm a white guy).
To make matters worse, the doc gets out his fricken K-bar fighting knife and slits her open wider to literally yank the kid out by his head. To focus on mom for a second she is really pissed at me now.. Looks like a obsessed Linda Blair..."Bob you bastard"...(no..at the moment the little guy looks like the B word).
Doctor does a big yank and out comes little Bob with an elongated head...1 inch radius on one side and its about 6 inches long..
The poor little fellas head got extruded from a die. (your seriously have to see this!)
Then..then comes the lime green umbilical cord..wow! what piece of cable that is. Grasshopper green color. The doc gives you a pair of fricken dikes to cut it. "This thing is as hard as a rock"...I'm thinking "I got a tough one over here.. hey doc, give me your Marine Corp fighting knife" anyway I was glad that little Bob didn't have a fro..It was a little disconcerting there for a while.
Then the aftermath...holy sh_t
That was in there too. Remember that weird smell..Oh gawd... coupled with this alien looking egg plant colored scrotum bagly membrane and a wife you would bet will never like you again. Your feelings toward a certain thing has changed FOREVER
Anyway..After feeling like blowing some cookies and fainting..I was happy to see my blonde son with a round head after a few hours.
Big Bob