Dude, you're being an awesome father (step-father) for trying to be there for her!
Is there a doc here? I imagine that we're just helping folks so ... we can't be clinically correct ...
Lot of great advice here and really probably can't pitch in much more than to agree with the idea of being her friend but yet adult figure.
(errr, I'm into something similar but the boy is only 12 and not the step-father yet but ... most likely on the way to be).
Lot's of background questions that need to filled to help more:
Look at it from her point. You're a guy boinking her mother.
You come into the family unit as the new father.
Did she agree to you? Did she resist? Or did she just say "ahh, WTF, why not?"
What's her school life like?
Her friends?
What does the mother know about this and the possible reasons?
Pissed off about the divorce? (I hope not the father's death)
How's the mother-daughter relationship?
You really need to find the source of why or possibly why this all started.
I like the advice that you should reassure her that you love her but ... she'll probably be thinking of you just saying that to keep the mother happy.
quoting Sonic dB
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if you could show her that you can talk with her without being judgemental
at all...kids appreciate when adults dont show judgement to them...
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I think this is great! Don't forget to reassure her 1,000 times that you will not punish her being honest, you just want to hear her side.
I wonder if locking her down is really that good at the moment. She probably just resents you both for doing that to her. Would you want to be dragged off to see a shrink? WTF, would a shrink know? Remember to see things from her viewpoint.
Maybe, asking her "why?" might be a good start. Listening and understanding should get you lots of good miles out this situation.
Sounds by her eating habits that she also has a chemical imbalance. which is why I think Rob911 comment
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Provide lots of food for her, but make it all good and nutritional.
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is really good.
I did something really dangerous at a high school I work at: I was chatting with girl who was a suicide addict. Wrist cutter (almost 3 times a week). I just said bluntly to her, "if you're gonna do it, do it right and don't cause clean up problems when you check out! Because it is messy and your parents will have to clean up!" Dammm, the faces on the other teachers were in shock. They couldn't believe I just told a student to "off" herself.
Yes, this was risky. And I have no credentials at all to do consoling and what not.
However, she cruised in the guidance room about month later and proudly declared that she has decided to kick the habit and live life. I got lucky. But maybe it was the shock that I put it in black and white to her that no other adult had the balls to do. Maybe, she wanted to be told that she was wrong and wanted to be listened to without the "oh, you poor child" routine.
I don't know if this story helps but ... maybe there is a nugget in there that could be useful.
Thank you for being a true father!