[bigchillcar]

well, told myself that i'd do this and post about it, so nows that time i suppose. it will probably bring a host of points of view, but this is just my own story and i'm not here to judge others for their own consumption. i had a huge problem..and it's cost me personally an awful lot in wasted time at the very least, great intimacy at its worst.

porn entered my life over 25-years ago i'd estimate and began fairly innocuously i felt, in the form of the men's mags available at the time..late 70's/early 80's. i'll also preface by saying that because in my own family, my father had an affair that tore apart the family, i got to see first hand how infidelity hurts people/destroys relationships. it left a very strong impression on me as a teenager, and as such, i've never once 'cheated' on a girlfriend who i'd had a real/implied commitment with or my wife. i just put infidelity into a 'box of things' that morally/ethically i simply will not do. i avoid situations where i could find myself approached. i'm sure many of you may relate to this behavior as well.

okay, so i've never 'cheated', but never perceived porn as cheating until recently. anyway, after men's mags came - the video. accidentally found one around 1980 and for several years, it's all that i had. another couple of years, i acquired a few more until my move to miami by the end of the decade. i did have a couple of gf's in the 80's, but mostly that was time spent as a young man in the clubs and 'serial dating' if you catch my drift..so little need for much porn.

after moving to miami, however, i found i was surrounded by video stores. the first time i entered one, i was too uncomfortable to go through with buying anything and quickly left. but curiosity finally overcame that feeling and i went inside and purchased one...and than another, then another..

i switched to renting as the cost was rather high for this stuff, and my rental rate began to skyrocket - all the while being in relationships. seems i'd developed and addictive behavior pattern..didn't matter about the gf - didn't have anything to do with whether or not i was 'happy' with them or not. it was about me..seemed to be how i was choosing to cope with stress as some might choose alcohol or drugs. still, at this time i was in a deep fog about any damage it could be doing me..or others. nobody really 'complained', so i continued. i doubt many women 'celebrate' their bf's use of porn, especially when they make no effort to hide it, but continue i did.

then came the early 90's and the exponential growth/discovery of porn on the internet. okay, so now most of the stuff was free. so, i began collecting..and collecting..and collecting. nothing illegal mind you, but the sheer volume became staggering. two long-term gf's, i finally came to realize, were indeed hurt by it and its presence most certainly played some role in my leaving those relationships, possibly because i sub-consciously felt they wouldn't approve long-term. there were other reasons, but i now know that i allowed porn-approval in general to factor in as well.

i finally met and married a woman whom i fell greatly in love with..i'd never felt such a connection on all three levels of criteria that i'd always valued most highly - emotional (she was very feelings-based like myself), mental (smartest woman i'd ever been with..very nice), and physical (it was as if god himself went inside my head and pulled a blueprint of my 'ideal woman'..still the 'most beautiful woman on the planet to me'). anyway, i'd never really felt so strongly a bond to another woman on all three levels, generally 'settling' for two out of three. so, at 40 i marry for the first time (two years ago) and for the most part, things have been, well..rocky.

without detail being necessary, my beautiful wife got a rough start in life. some very 'not so nice things' occurred long ago that affect her to this day. she's a registered nurse and a fabulous one at that..she came a long way on her own. i'm very proud of what she's accomplished, made of herself. anyway, it was felt by us both that she should seek some counseling to help deal with those issues from the past, things not of her doing, yet hurting her deeply still some 25 years later. so she did..painful as it was..she began work on her and repairing some of the painful self-esteem issues that usually result from her brand of 'pain'...very, very brave of her.

meanwhile, i continued my porn consumption, albeit not at nearly the same rate..it was still an addictive behavior that i'd just become so completely accustomed to that i never questioned whether it was right or wrong - for me - perhaps there are those of you who look at things from time to time, but never anything like i'd done. again, i'm not here to judge, but to man-up up to my habit having been a problem. interestingly, for the first time in this past quarter-century, when things were going well with my wife, i had absolutely no interest in porn..a very good thing..a miracle in itself.

we were married, divorced, then re-married..all in the span of these past two years. thing is, i used to attribute 90% of our problems to my wife's issues while taking zero responsibility for my own role. i now view our problems as 60% my own issue. you see, just as quickly as her wonderful therapist would be restoring her own wounded self-esteem, i would be breaking it right back down by her discoveries of porn on my computer. over and over i would deny it was a problem and it was just making a mess of her heart.

things came to a head the day before thanksgiving. we had been doing very well for several weeks, except for a fight that led to us separating for a few evenings..when she returned, she found a little more porn on the computer. she became angry and in a passionate moment, had had enough and wanted to destroy it. my computer, all during our marriage, had in effect become 'the other woman'. we scuffled over the thing and the police were called (by me, but not important). i was arrested over the incident, spent part of the day in jail (a first for me) and a no contact order put into place.

my wife was still very much in love with me, but her counselor agreed that it was unlikely that i would ever admit to having a problem with sex/porn addiction. during this time, i had learned about a 12-step recovery program called 'sex and love addicts anonymous' and decided maybe i should check it out. so about 3 months ago i did. at first, i felt like it wasn't the place for me. after all, these other roughly dozen men were serial 'cheaters' with 'live women', used prostitutes, had molested underage, etc. they said, 'give it six meetings'. well, i did..and i read the literature..and began to be very honest with myself..i do belong there. understand, this 'understanding' was a process..it took a bit of time. i began to have insights in the mornings after waking from bad dreams..and the shame/guilt and confusion were simply overwhelming. i began to see myself, my role in the marriage in a completely different light. i was starting to not like ryan so much..

well..my trial i had to go to is over. the case was passed for a year and i am required to attend an anger mgmt class. the no contact order has been lifted, but didn't matter..my wife had already decided that the only way that she could truly get over me was to leave the state for a few months, working as a travel nurse. i took a chance several weeks ago, violated the nc order, contacted her and she responded. we met in the church parking lot where we'd married and cried and cried. i had much i needed to tell her. i knew that she was leaving and guessed that we were indeed over. i began to apologize profusely, and as it turned out, she didn't want to divorce again either, especially if i was truly remorseful and committed to 'porn sobriety'.

i've been 'sober' now for nearly a month. i helped my wife get to california when she became stuck in a snowstorm in new mexico, flew into flagstaff and drove her the rest of the way..spent a nice week..and plan to return for another visit very soon. there's still a lot of healing to have to happen - i have to deal with the fact that i've hurt myself, my wife and others by my past actions. it was time for me to man-up, and that's what i did. so what i do now, i do first for me, second for my wife and marriage. porn is now in that 'box' reserved for things that i simply will not do...

finally, i'm not here to judge others. i know many of you guys look at porn to some degree or another, and probably for most it isn't 'a problem'..but maybe some of you feel as i do or came to feel..like something about it just isn't working right in your life. maybe you have an addictive personality and this stuff is simply toxic for you as well. how toxic is too toxic? well, i threw away about 60+ vhs tapes, a couple dozen dvd's and deleted approximately 250 GIGABYTES (wrap your mind around that) of porn from my computers and a portable hard drive. for the first time in 25 years..i have a porn-free house..and a chance to have a more loving, intimate relationship with a woman who deserves nothing less from the man she married.