[sprewell17]

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Monica are at the counter getting some more coffee.]

Joey: Oh! Hey, somebody left their keys. (Looks at them) Ooohh, to a Porsche! {Transcriber’s note: Oh come on! Who would leave the keys to their Porsche behind? If I had a Porsche, I’d have the keys surgically attached to my hand!} Hey Gunther, these yours?

Gunther: Yeah, that’s what I drive. I make four bucks an hour, I saved up for 350 years!

Joey: Na-uh! (To everyone there) Hey did anybody lose their keys?

Monica: Joey, why don’t you put them in the lost and found?

Joey: There’s a lost and found? (Gunther sets the box up on the table.) My shoe! (Grabs it out of the box.)

Chandler: You left a shoe here?!

Joey: Well, I didn’t realize until I got home. I wasn’t gonna walk all the way back down here with one shoe! Y’know what? I’m gonna go find that guy’s car and leave a note on the windshield. (Goes to do so.)

Chandler: Oh good, when he comes back for his keys, I’ll be sure to give him your shoe.

Joey: Great! Thanks. (Exits.)


[Scene: The street down the block from Central Perk, Joey has found the Porsche and is writing the note.]

Guy #1: Nice car!

Joey: Yeah, it’s not mine.

Woman: (walking up) I love your car.

Joey: Yeah, it’s (looks up and sees the woman) mine.

Woman: I bet it’s fast.

Joey: Me too! Yeah. And comfortable. Do uh, do you like leather seats?

Woman: Yeah!

Joey: (checks in the window to make sure it has them) It’s got ‘em!

Joey: (entering) Hey guys!

Chandler: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Hey babies! Oh, I’m having the best morning. That uh, that Porsche I’ve got the keys too, still there!

Chandler: Shocking! Since you still have the keys.

Joey: You should see the treatment I get when I’m with that car! People are friendly; they-they wanna talk, and not just about the car! One guy gave me advice about my equity investments.

Chandler: What equity investments?

Joey: The ones that got me the Porsche! Will you keep up! (Chandler wipes his forehead with a baby wipe, that might have been used. He drops it disgustedly.) But I figured, if-if people keep seeing me just standing there, they’re gonna start to think that I don’t own it. So I figured I’ll wash it. Right? Monica, you got a bucket and some soap I can borrow?

Monica: Oh yeah, I got soap and sponges and rags and Carnuba wax and polishing compound.

Chandler: You don’t even have a car!

Monica: I know. But umm, one time there was this really dirty car in front of the building, so I washed it.

Chandler: And?

Monica: And six others.

Chandler: There you are.

[Scene: The Porsche, Joey is finishing up washing the car and is talking to a guy about the car.]

Joey: Yeah, she tops out at 130.

Guy #2: Wow!

Joey: And that’s just in the city. I get her up to 160 when I take her upstate.

Guy #2: Really! You got a place upstate?

Joey: Sure!

Guy #2: Well, I’ll see you later.

Joey: Okay, take it easy.

The Porsche Owner: Hey! That’s my car.

Joey: Really? Oh uh, oh just give me five more minutes with it.

The Porsche Owner: What-what are you doing?

Joey: Oh I-I uh, found the keys and now I’m just polishing her up.

The Porsche Owner: But it’s my car!

Joey: Yeah, but it’s my wax.

The Porsche Owner: Listen, I-I-I don’t come to this city much so I don’t know if you’re crazy or this is some kind of street theater, but could I have my keys.

Joey: Sure. Here. (He hands them over.) I’ll uh, save your parking spot.

The Porsche Owner: I’m not coming back.

Joey: Why not?

The Porsche Owner: I live upstate.

Joey: Yeah, so did I.

(The guy gets in and drives off.)
Joey: (entering wearing nothing but Porsche clothes) So the Porsche guy took his car back.

Chandler: But you found the keys to his clothes?

Joey: No. No, I just uh, I just loved the way it feels when everybody thinks I own a Porsche.

Monica: And people will think you own a Porsche because you’re wearing the clothes?

Joey: Of course! Only an idiot would wear this stuff if you didn’t have the car! Right?

Chandler: That is true.

Phoebe: Yeah, but only a genius would swallow a sonic blaster gun.

Joey: Oh, I’ve been there. Yeah, I am gonna go drive my Porsche. (Starts to leave.)

Monica: Joey, you know you don’t actually have one.

Joey: Come on! What are you doing?! I’m in character! Would you talk to her! (Storms out.)


[Scene: The street, Joey is hanging out wearing his Porsche grab.]

Joey: Why isn’t that valet back with my Porsche?

Passerby: Maybe because you’ve got the keys?

Joey: (to women passing him) Porsche.

(Ross and Rachel approach, they’re still yelling at each other.)

Rachel: This is totally your fault!

Ross: My fault?! You threatened the judge!

Rachel: Well, you ripped the paper out of the court reporter’s machine!!

Ross: That was the only way I could get him to stop typing!

Joey: Hi! How are the Gellers?

Rachel: Don’t call us that! (Storms away)

Ross: The judge wouldn’t let us get an annulment! Now we gotta get a divorce!! Did a Porsch throw up on you? (Walks on.)

Joey: Hey! It’s Porsche!! (He’s right y’know.)

[Scene: The street, Joey is messing with a car cover and still wearing the Porsche stuff. This guy playing street football catches a pass next to the car cover Joey is fooling around with.]

Joey: Hey! Hey! Be careful around my Porsche!

Woman: (the same one from before approaches) Hi Joey.

Joey: Hey! How you doin’?

Woman: (to her friend) He has the most amazing Porsche under there!

Joey: I’d love to show ya, but I just tucked her in. She’s sleeping. (The women both laugh) Hey uh, would you two girls like to go for a drink? (Just then the same guy with the football dives to make a catch, lands on the car cover, and collapses it. It turns out that Joey set up a bunch of boxes to make it look like a Porsche.)