[Z-man]

Background:
As many folks do these days, I use my cell phone for all of my long distance calls. So years ago, I cancelled my home phone land line's long distance service. Just about once a year, I get a mysterious bill for ATT Long distance on my Verizon (home phone) bill. Which happened again about a month ago.

So, a month ago, I called ATT support and had them cancel my long distance service, and refund the $13.72 x 2 charges for their service. (They were on my plan for two months - I didn't notice the first month right away). They assurred me that I would not have to worry about this ever again.

So, yesterday, I get my Verizon bill. Lo and behold, I have a credit for $13.72 x 2! Perfect!!! But wait a sec -- what's this -- another charge for $13.72 for ATT long distance service!! Here we go again...

So I call up their billing department, and speak with a manager. They confirm that my long distance account was indeed cancelled back in June.

So I say, "Great - then you can remove the charges for $13.72 for the services that were cancelled."

Idiot 1: "I am sorry sir, while I can cancel your service, I cannot credit you these charges."

Me" "But I never authorized ATT as my long distance provider, and further, I have already cancelled ATT long distance back in June!! Don't you see that!?!?"

Idiot 1: "Yes, I see that your account is disconnected / cancelled. But you still must pay the $13.72 for July 13 throught August 13th.

Me: "What is the status of my account?"

Idiot 1: "Closed"

Me: "When was it closed? "

Idiot 1: "June 13th."

Me: "So it was closed since June 13th."

Idiot 1: "Yes."

Me: "Great - then you can credit me the $13.72 charge that I was billed for on an account that is closed."

Idiot 1: "I'm sorry, I cannot do that. I am not authorized to do so."

I tell Idiot 1 that I wish to speak with his manager. I go throught the same thing. Then he says:

Idiot 2: "You say you never authorized this service? Let me connect you to the Switch Call Center - they will have recorded proof that you authorized this service!"

Me: "Interesting - that recorded proof will be very silent, since NO ONE AUTHORIZED THIS SERVICE!!!!"

So I get connected to a lady called Aspen, who is a manager in the Switch Call Center. I go through the same verification process I've gone through twice already:

Me: "I am Zoltan XXXXX, my phone number is xxx-xxx-xxxx, I live at %%%% Drive in WWWW NJ. "

Aspen: "I see that you are currently an active ATT long distance customer.

Me: "How can that be? The folks in the billing dept I spoke with just a minute ago told me that I was NOT an active customer.

Aspen: "My records indicate that you are."

Me: "Well then, someone is lying to me. But whatever - I need two things from you -- you need to refund me the $13.72 that was billed me, and you need to disconnect my services."

Aspen: "Sir, I cannot do either. You have been an active ATT member since 1991, and according to our records, you have never been cancelled. And I cannot refund you your money since it does not fall under the guidelines under which I am bound to."

Me: "What?!?! This makes no sense! Yes, I was an ATT long distance customer long ago, but since I've had cell phones, I've used them for long distance calls since it is more cost effective that way."

Aspen: "No, you are still an active customer. "

Me: "Well, here's the reference number I got from the billing dept. That will show you that my account is closed."

Aspen: "Sir, I cannot do that."

Me: "What?"

Aspen: "I cannot look up anything in the billing system - I am not trained to do that."

Me: "Then how can you verify anything I've said?!?"

Aspen: "My records indicate that you are an active ATT customer. That is all."

Me: "Ok - who can cancel my account?"

Aspen: "The billing department."

Me: "You mean the department that just transferred me here?!?!?"

Aspen: "Yes."

This is where it simply gets ludicrous

Me: "Ok - then let's do this - you set up a conference call with them, so we are all on the same page and we can get this resolved right away."

Aspen: "I am sorry, I cannot do that. The three-way calling system has been broken since this morning."

Me: "WHAT?!?! "

Aspen: "I don't have the ability to do a conference call."

Me: "BUT YOU WORK FOR THE PHONE COMPANY!!!!! And you claim you can't make a conference call!!!!!?????"

Aspen: "It has been down all day."

Me: "I can't imagine that - where I work, if such a thing were to happen, it would be a disaster. Ok -- what can you do?!?"

Aspen: "I will call billing, explain the situation, and then you will be connected."

Me: "Ok. I still can't believe you can't conference call. But go ahead."

Aspen: "Please hold."

So I listened to the elevator music version of some R&B song (Waterfalls) that three female singers sang years ago (I think one of the singers was Lefty, and Salt N Peppa...)

Idiot 4: "Hello, how may I help you?"

Me: "I am calling regarding an outstanding billing issue. "

Idiot 4: "For verification, may I have your...."

Me (interupting) "I am Zoltan XXXX, I live at xxx Drive, AFDAD NJ, phone number XXX-XXX-XXXX, and my three digit authorization code is XXXX. And my blood type is AB Negative.

Idiot 4: "Thank you. Oh, I see that you are in NJ. This is the CA department. Please hold while I transfer you."

I get disconnected. Great.

I call back the original number.

Idiot 5: "Hellow, how may I help you?"

Me: (in one breath) "I am Zoltan XXXXX. My phone number is XXX-xxx-xxxx my 3 digit security code is XXX. I live on XXX Drive, XXXX NJ. I have been using my cell phone for long distance calls, and I cancelled my ATT long distance service back in June, which was added to my land line account without my authorization, and in the statement I received yesterday, it indicated that I was given a credit of $13.72 X 2 for the two months that ATT had mistakenly charged me for. Your records probably indicate that my account is closed. You will also notice that I was charged for an additional $13.72 since my account has been closed. I wish to completely and utterly close my ATT long distance account on this phone, and I wish to receive credit for the $13.72 that was charged me for this past month, while my account was already closed."

Idiot 5: "No problem. I can do that for you. I am very sorry for this inconvienece."

Me: "Ok - let's get this clear -- I've been on the phone with ATT reps for the past hour. I have heard 'I am sorry' about 50 times. I accept your apology, and there is no need to say that again.

Idiot 5: "Ok sorr--- I mean let me close your account."

Idiot 5: "Sir, while I am closing your account, I have a couple of questions to ask you..."

Me: "Go ahead."

Idiot 5: "Would you be interested in activating ATT long distance service on your land line for a small cost of $2.00?"

Me: "Excuse me?"

Idiot 5: "Would you be interested in activating ATT long distance service on your land line for a small cost of $2.00?"

Me: "Ok - please consider what I am attempting to do here regarding my ATT long distance account. After you consider what you are doing for me here, please answer that question yourself."

Idiot 5: "Oh - sorr--- I mean, I see..."

Idiot 5: "Ok sir, your request is being processed. May I ask you another question?"

Me: "Go ahead."

Idiot 5: "Sir, would you be interested in using ATT as your cell phone provider?"

Me: "M'am, do you remember my opening conversation with you where I stated that I have switched to using my cell phone for long distance calls?"

Idiot 5: "Yes, I do remember - sorr- I mean, I understand."

Idiot 5: "Ok - your request has been processed, and your confirmation number is XXDAFD. Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Me: "Are you sure it is closed?"

Idiot 5: "You will never have to be bothered with ATT on this again."

Me: "Are you sure?"

Idiot 5: "Absolutely."

Me: "ok - we shall see..."

Idiot 5: "Sir, as part of our ongoing desire to serve our customers, would you say that you were extremely satisfied with the level of service I gave you today?"

Me: "You did what I requested."

Idiot 5: "Great. Thank you and have a great day."

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Two points:
1. What are the odds that I'll see another $13.72 on my phone bill from ATT next month?
2. Ironically, my cell phone service is thorugh ATT....

Sorry for the extremely long post,
-Z-man.