[Dueller]

adventurous - Leaves apartment once a week to buy cigarettes and lottery tickets.

affectionate (female) - Wants to cuddle during Super Bowl triple overtime.

affectionate (male) - Loves to grab your ass at funerals.

appreciates the finer things in life -- Willing to max out credit card on junk food.

artist - Takes pride in penmanship.

athletic (male) - Single-handedly unloads beer coolers at softball games.

athletic (female) - Thinks about field hockey during sex.

average looking (honest person) - Average looking

average looking (99.9% of the population) - Below average looking

- B -

baggage - Restraining orders

beautiful - Once received a polite rejection letter from a modeling agency.

booty-licious -- Smells like an old boot.

- C -

career oriented - Blames non-existent career for non-existent social life.

caring - Suffocating

clever -- Can stick a napkin into one nostril and pull it through the other.

comfortable in jeans or little black dress - Willing to dress like a farmer or a hooker to get a date.

communication important - Once dated the Unabomber, and it didn't work out.

compassionate - Cries at the drop of a hat.

confident - Never admits they're wrong.

contagious smile - Makes people feel very uncomfortable.

creative -- Still has the gold star from kindergarten for finger painting.

curious -- Has always wondered why birds don't fly west for the winter.

- D -

delicate -- Bruises just from thinking about sex.

discreet - Prefers sex in hotel rooms that rent by the hour.

distinguished (looking) - Should have shaved goatee off years ago.

does things with class - Wouldn't know class if it bit them on the derrière.

down to earth -- Waits until marriage before talking about UFO abduction experience.

- E -

easygoing -- The only one at the funeral is wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

eccentric - Is self-centered to the beat of a different drummer.

eclectic -- The complete works of Shakespeare on coffee table in living room, People magazine on the nightstand in bedroom.

emotionally available - Can sustain eye contact for at least eight seconds before looking at another woman.

emotionally secure - Insensitive

employed - Hasn't worked at McDonald's long enough to call it a career.

energetic -- Still remembers doing a sit-up in 1984.

enjoys art and opera - Enjoys dressing up, sitting in a concert hall, and daydreaming about monster truck pulls.

enjoys culture - Is probably reading this to find out what culture is.

enjoys life - Has not contemplated suicide in a week.

enjoys nature - Once spent a wild weekend with Marlin Perkins.

evolving - Becomes less fun each day.

exotic - Really should have a doctor look at those five moles on face.

- F -

family is very important -- Can remember the names of most siblings.

family-oriented -- Brings mother on first date.

feminist - All the other interesting descriptions were taken.

(seeks) financially secure - Seeks sugar daddy.

(is) financially secure - Just made final payment on 1994 Ford Escort.

fit -- Can watch an entire exercise video without passing out.

free spirit - See eccentric.

friendship first - Terrified of sex.

fun-loving - That annoying person at parties who always wants to play charades.

funny - Prone to making inappropriate comments.

-G -

glass is half full - Very close to joining a cult

good listener - Has nothing to say.

good looking - Thinks Popeye is good looking.

(in) good shape - Last saw own toes in 1993.

great cook - Maestro of the microwave

- H -

handsome - See good looking.

height proportionate to weight - Struggling to stay out of Rubenesque territory.

huggable - Someone you would not invite to your S&M club.

humorous - Laughs at own limp jokes.

- I -

impulsive - Lacks self discipline.

intellectually stimulating -- Knows 456 appropriate situations for flipping the bird.

(is) intelligent - Knows how spell "intelligent."

(seeks) intelligent - Someone whose knuckles have yet to scrape the ground.

in transition - Has no direction in life.

intuitive - Has bought a few winning scratch tickets.

- J -

jeans - See comfortable in jeans or little black dress.

- K -

knight in shining armor - Imaginary friend

- L -

laid back -- Will finish entrée and ask to see the desert menu before noticing you're having a heart attack.

light drinker - Won't admit to being a heavy drinker.

likes to cuddle (female) - Won't admit she's terrified of sex.

likes to cuddle (male) - Will say anything for sex.

likes long walks on the beach - Devoid of any original thoughts.

likes candle-lit dinners - See likes to take long walks on the beach.

likes sitting before a roaring fire - See likes to take long walks on the beach.

look young for my age (men) - Holds stomach in a lot.

look young for my age (women) - Wears tank tops and clothing more appropriate for a younger woman.

loves animals - Derives an unhealthy amount of emotional support from their pet.

loves life and all it has to offer - Either a Rotarian, Libertarian, or Unitarian.

love to laugh - Insane

- M -

(high) maintenance - Looking to meet a rich attractive wimp.

(low) maintenance - Will not make unrealistic demands until after marriage.

(looking for someone to) make me laugh - Will never make you laugh.

married to my job - Has no life.

mature - Looking to meet someone Amish.

Mr. Right - See knight in shining armor.

- N -

new-age - Old hippie

no-nonsense -- No fun

no-strings-attached relationship -- Plenty of sex and antibiotics

non-traditional - Never picks up a check.

- O -

old fashioned (man) - Thinks Gloria Steinem is a "real looker."

old fashioned (woman) - Gets excited at the thought of Jack Lord pistol-whipping a suspect.

open minded - Willing to pretend to listen to anyone's "ridiculous" ideas.

optimistic -- Still thinks the Beatles will be getting back together.

outgoing - Has far fewer friends than realizes.

overweight but working on it -- Has lost and gained the same pound 109,345 times.

- P -

passionate - Gets carried away over nothing.

people person - Scared of being alone.

petite - Elf-like

poet - Unpublished writer

politically progressive -- Fanaticizes about Ralph Nader in a Speedo.

positive attitude - See glass is half full.

professional - Pretends not to know you when asking, "Do you want fries with that?"

(loves) public displays of affection - a) Gropes you at the most inappropriate times. b) Hysterically berates you at the most inappropriate times.


- Q -

quiet - Has no original thoughts.

- R -

Rubenesque - Describes the Goodyear blimp as "voluptuous."


- S -

sassy - Unaware of total lack of sex appeal.

seeks partner in crime -- Will not date anyone before seeing five forms of identification.

self-aware - Self-absorbed

self-employed - Unemployed

sensitive (male) - Cries when his team doesn't cover the spread.

sensitive (female) - Cries for no apparent reason.

sensual - Was once arrested for inappropriately riding a horse.

sensuous - Likes to wear lingerie while having cyber sex.

(is) sexy (male) - Can achieve an orgasm by looking in the mirror.

(is) sexy (female) - Will sit naked on a copy machine after only one beer.

(want to meet someone who is) sexy - Someone whose allure is not totally masked by perfume or cologne.

shy - Well-mannered stalker

slender - Debating whether to get breast implants.

smart - See intelligent.

social activist -- Bought Girl Scout cookies this year.

sophisticated - Knows the correct way to eat a Big Mac.

(seeks) soul mate - Seeks identical mate except for genitalia.

spiritual - Owns more than one Yanni album.

stable - Never forgets to take medication.

stylish -- Always sniffs clothes before putting them on.

sweet - Nice to the point of nauseating.

- T -

tall (male) - Eight inches shorter than what profiles lists.

tall (female) - Will strain your neck if you're always looking at her breasts.

thoughtful - Promises to call to make sure you got home safely -- after leaving you at a bus stop.

traditional - See old fashioned.

- U -

U - Illiterate word crunch symbol for "you" - as in "LQQKING 4 U."


- V -

visually oriented - An unwitting brag about being shallow.

voluptuous - Five pounds from having to buy two seats on a plane.


- W -

weight proportionate to height - See height proportionate to weight.

writer - See poet.

- X -

x - Shorthand for "ex" - the demon ghost haunting many personal ads.

- Y -

(# of years) young - See young at heart.

young at heart - Old in body.


- Z -

zaftig - See Rubenesque.