[911Rob]

Wow! Very sorry to read through this thread Steve.
I started it the other day but it was way too much for me at that time.
I've read every post and offer my deepest sympathies, what a gut wrenching experience to go through.

I have a ton of experience with this type of stuff and I hope that I can help here?

First, he's your stepson and sounds very immature, even though he's 25, he acts like he's about 15. You married his mother and you took the role of the father in the home. I would suggest that you inform your wife that you are taking control of the situation, in an effort to try and alleviate any stress she has; which must be a TON. Put her in the background on the entire issue; you take full control of all decisions from here on in; otherwise you're family home situation is never gonna settle down and get back to normal. This could take years and years!

He's a substance abuser and has some serious issues, now getting himself arrested, etc. You and your wife love him and care for him, you want to do the best for him. The only solution is gonna be tough love at this point. Think about the past help you've provided…. The more you “help” these type of people, the worse they get. It’s how they work, first minor things, now bigger and soon even bigger. You gotta cut him OUT with a safety rope attached with YOUR conditions. Let him understand that it’s a fact, the more you help him, the worse he gets. You want to help him, but there’s nothing you can do to help him until he wants to help himself first. You're gonna need professional help at this point.

That’s condition No.1, he must prove that he wants to help himself first. The only way I can see for that to happen is for him to submit himself to a full time clinic; either for alcohol or drug abuse. Should be a 4 to 6 week program and they’re very strict. You can offer to pay for the help, drive him there and be his full support. BUT you are not professionally or mentally able to help this kid out any longer; in FACT keep this in mind, the tiniest bit of help you do give him will result in him becoming worse off! So don’t help him….. request him to seek professional help, where you’ll be by his side.

As for the suicide thing; I was told by some awesome councilors that if a person of his mental state threatens suicide, you ask him “how are you going to kill yourself?” If he replies with “I’m just gonna kill myself” or something like that, unspecific; you don’t have to worry. (???) But if he gives details of how he is going to do it you’ll need to call the cops ASAP and have him locked up. The first time these types threaten suicide can be a real kicker, practically drove me nuts when I’ve been involved. It gets watered down though. I would make it condition No.2: NEVER tell me that you’re gonna kill yourself again, cause if you do I’m gonna call the cops and have you arrested on the spot. Make them acknowledge your conditions……. I’m going to help you but you are going to promise me this; then make them repeat the promises back to you. Then be very strict about the conditions. You can let a lot of things go, but never the conditions. I made another condition which was you can never drink/abuse in front of me or in my house. Don’t come around or phone me when you’re in that state, period. For you, I'd suggest NO contact with his mom until he's better; make it a condition of your help.

I’d be very worried about your wife; she is going through HELL right now and you need to focus on protecting her. Get her in the background right now. Stop talking about this with her. Let her know that you are going to take charge and handle it. All calls, info, etc. go to you and you protect her from it. You’ll need to get your own personal home life back in order to be any good to this kid at all. Keep that in mind. You always put your own oxygen mask on first, then you assist the person beside you! The better your personal life is, the more you can help him; so keep that in mind and protect yourself. Start building some mental toughness against his whims of terror.

Don’t let him move back in, under any circumstances. After he’s kicked the abuse (note: he’ll only do it if he wants to), then you can go to work on the brain development; which is also going to take some time; after all it was his lack of brains that got him here in the first place. Somewhere along the lines this kid took the path of numbing out his true goals and desires by abusing his mind and body with drugs and alcohol. He lost his sense of desire either from low self esteem or a need for attention? Getting him back on track will be a whole other matter.

Your son will have to move up the emotional scale of ‘self worth’. Today he is feeling “Depression/Despair & Powerlessness”, an improvement to that would be “Insecurity/Guilt or Unworthiness”. Understand that you can only move up the emotional scale one step at a time. So the natural steps are:
Lowest to Highest:
1. Depression/Despair/Powerlessness
2. Insecurity/Guilt/Unworthiness
3. Jealousy
4. Hatred/Rage
5. Anger
6. Discouragement
7. Blame
8. Worry
9. Doubt
10. Disappointment
11. Overwhelming
12. Frustration/Impatience
13. Pessimism
14. Boredom
15. Contentment
16. Hopefulness
17. Optimism
18. Positive Expectation/Belief
19. Enthusiasm/Eagerness/Happiness
20. Passion
21. Joy/Knowledge/Empowerment/Freedom/Love/Appreciation

Keep in mind that YOU will also be moving along this scale. Keep choosing the emotional feeling that feels better, with an understanding that you can’t leap through the process. You move up one step at a time. Anger is a good platform; it’s easy to identify and far better than levels 1 -4. From Anger you can move them up easily if you understand that you don’t want to move them down. Look for signs like ‘blame’ or ‘worry’. These are good steps forward; encourage them.

Start by going to tell your wife that she’s out of it. See how that makes you feel? I’ll bet you feel better and your wife will feel better too.
I wish you all the luck, it’s a tough spot you're in, but we’re all in your corner!
Phead from BC