[M.D. Holloway]

Someone sent this, not sure if it is true but who cares it is pretty funny...

We have the standard 6-foot fence in the back yard, and a few months
ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and
ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest
cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then
used an 8-foot long ground rod and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground.
The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground,
the better the fence works.

One day, I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp,
big-wheel push mower. Now, the hot wire is broken and laying out in the
yard. I knew that I had unplugged the charger, so I pushed the mower
around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of
the way.

It seems I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all!
Now, I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right
hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind,
the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture
of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side
of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawn
mower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that
Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head.
I was literally 'at one' with the engine!

It seems as though the fence charger and the &*@%# piece of a lawn
mower were fighting over who could control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee and vomit at the same time --
I beg to differ! Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels
emptied 3 different times in less than half a second! It was a Matrix
kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all
leaned back, then BAM, BAM, BAM -- you just crap your pants 3 times!
It seemed like there were minutes in between, but in reality it was so
close together, it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning
8 grand!


At this point, I'm about 30 minutes (well, maybe 2 seconds, actually!) into
holding on to the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire, palm
down, so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm, so I know all about electric
fences. But Dad always had those &*@%# chargers, made by International
or whoever, that were like 9 volts and just kind of tickled. This one, I could not let go of!

The 8-foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perma-damp Ark-La-Tex River bottom soil. At this point, I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawn mower runs out of gas.

'Damn,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!


The lawn mower is now starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
run pattern, as if it had some kind of big lawn mower race cam in it!
Covered in poop and pee and with my vomit on my chest, I think, "Oh, God,
please let it die!. Please, please!" But no! It settles nicely into the rough,
lumpy cam idle and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the 'go' command from its owner's right foot!

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 100% humidity, standing
in my own back yard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that
day -- He left me there, covered in my own bodily fluids and crap, to
writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created!




I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up hours later,
laying on the ground. The lawn mower was beside me, out of gas, thankfully!
It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead
grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead
spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground, still holding on to it.

I assume I finally had a seizure and, in the resulting thrashing, had somehow
let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically-induced sleep, I realized a few things:

1. Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2. I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek

(not the left, just the right).

3. Poop, pee and vomit, when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as

you might think.

4. My left eye will not open.

5. My right eye will not close.

6. The lawn mower runs like a 'sum*****' now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it runs better
than new after that.

7. My nuts are still smaller than average, yet they are almost a foot long.

8. I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting, while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this!).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate
the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is
unplugged before I mow.

The good news is that, if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly
visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and
fuzzy feeling all over, which again reminds me to triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow!