[jyl]

Interesting situation. I have a hard time getting worked up over how he and his friend spent their evening. Unless, you have reason to believe they spend most evenings getting stoned and drinking. Why did you decide to set the trap?

Edit: after thinking about this a bit more, here are my views.

Occasional drinking and pot smoking is pretty normal at 18 y/o. Not to say that all kids do it, but many do. And many of those who do, still do just fine in school, work, careers, etc. You did. So did plenty of others on PPOT. Someone I knew very well in college, smoked pot early every night - after his studying was done - and did just fine. GPA 3.8, went on to graduate degrees and so on.

Do you have reason to think your son has crossed the line to having a drinking and/or pot "problem"? This, to me, would be using alcohol or pot so frequently (or at inappropriate times/places), so that it interferes with his responsibilities (e.g. school, work), his health, his safety (e.g. driving intoxicated), or is getting him in trouble with the law. Exactly how frequently is too frequently, will vary by person.

If "yes, he has a problem", then major action is indicated. Everything up to and including professional counseling, even pulling him out of school to live under your constant supervision for awhile.

If "no, he does not have a problem", then what? I guess a wide range of parental responses, from "don't ask don't tell" to "disapproval" to "do it responsibly, son" to "just not in my house" is reasonable. (I guess some might argue for "let's get stoned together, son" but I'd have a hard time with that personally.) There isn't a "problem" in the first place, so it comes down to what you feel comfortable with. If the lesson learned is how to be smarter and more discreet about it, well, that's not a bad thing to learn. Just make sure the parental response doesn't itself create a problem.

I agree that parental hypocrisy, in and of itself, is not the issue. If you played Russian Roulette as a kid but somehow survived, doesn't mean it is a good idea for your kid to get out the revolver. But your own life experience can inform your common sense, about what is a "problem" and what isn't.