[Dottore]

For the past month or so I’ve been in and out of hospitals, doctor’s offices and labs of various kinds with my father, who’s dying of cancer. He’s 87 and has led a full life. He’s had the cancer for a while, but a month or so ago he had a small stroke which changed him overnight from a dynamic, energetic and intelligent man to a guy just waiting to die.

He was a devout Christian most of his life, but spent the last 20 years or so getting deeper and deeper into Buddhism. He is the “guru” in his large circle of friends; the “go to” guy for advice of all kinds. He was gregarious, widely-read, funny as hell and sharp as a tack.

In fact he was the most “together” guy that most of us knew, and all of us had always imagined that when it was time for him to leave the party he would do so with equanimity and grace.

It’s fascinating to me, and more than a little sad, that this is not the case. In recent weeks he has become bitter about disappointments he has suffered and opportunities he has missed—which I assumed had long been forgotten.

He studiously avoided conflicts with my mother all of his life—because he preferred harmony to strife—but now that there is no longer any reason to be polite he is frequently very cutting and cruel in his remarks to her.

I took him aside the other day and asked him what he was feeling. What was making him so angry so late in the day.

He thought about that a long while and finally said: “I made too many compromises. I didn’t risk enough. I didn’t follow my heart enough. I was always the nice guy. I wasn’t honest enough with myself. And now I realize what a waste of a life this was.”

I assured him he was being too hard on himself, but still, it was one of the very saddest comments I have ever heard.

A buddy of mine often says, “The only thing you definitely won’t regret on your deathbed are the hours you didn’t spend in the office. And the only thing you definitely will regret on your deathbed are the women you didn’t feck.”

Sorta sums it up.

I thought I’d share this deep wisdom with you.