[Dueller]

Many of you folowed and commented on my thread when wife and I were having problems this summer that resulted in a 2 month separation. Thus far the physical separation helped us rekindle our relationship but I think it was more of a decison by both of us to really examine what was important to us individually and as a couple. In our case we had some common goals, desires and attitudes but it took some real candor aND emotional risks to undo some patterns both of us had fallen into.

We have only been married 3 1/2 years but together for 6 1/2. We have no children together,,,3 teenage children, I have no kids. As many are aware the stepkids (particularly the twin 18 y.o. dtrs) were a primary area whgere we got off in the ditch. I had to back off my role as I saw it with the kids and wife had to concede that my efforts at stepparenting were well intentioned if not in line with what she felt my role shuld or should not be. Moot point now as all kids are out of the house and off to college. Having kids tohether makes your situation a bit more complicated than mine.

That being said, its come to jesus time for the two of you. In a non-hostile non-adversarial way the two of you must sit down and discuss where the relationship has gone off in the ditch. Establish expectations, boundaries, roles, goals, desires etc both individually amnd as a couple. Get away from blaming one or the other and be ready to accept personal responsibility for what has gone wrong, Keep in mind at this point its about the failure of the RELATIONSIP not your failures individually or as a spouse. Its about honest communication. If either of you are unwilling or unable to do this, it cannot be salvaged.

Its a tough thing to do. It requires that both of you are honest and vulnerable to opening up as to exactly what's going on in the relationship. Only at that point can you salvage the relationship or make a decision to go your separate ways.

Good luck.