[Dueller]

To add to legion's comments, in the course of of individual counseling I discovered what were my real priorities in a relationship and did an honest inventory of what my wife was capable of bringing to the relationship table, Fortunately for our relationship she had a lot to offer that was consistent with my needs. And vice versa.

I also discovered that most of what we were fighting about was not what the real issues were...we were avoiding the real issues. Once we were able to be candid about the real issues we discovered that we were able to resolve them to our mutual satisfaction rather than delving into a tit for tat scorekeeping style of fighting.

Learning to communcate on an honest level was a difficult task for both of us. To be able to express your feelings or listen to another person express theirs without being personally offended and lapsing into a battle of insults or hostility is such a relief. An example of our patern would be along the lines of me saying something about a child's actions/behavior that I disagreed with would be interpretted by wife as me saying her kid's were horrible people or she was a bad mother. Ostensibly I would just be expressing my concern as a caring stepparent but in reality I could be pretty hostile and mean-spirited. And we would be off to the races with anger and hurt feelings and a screaming match.