[imcarthur]

My history: Divorced after 13 years. 2 kids – 6 & 9 at the time. Our marriage was the Dead Zone but we were very good parents. The marriage was not revivable. I made feeble attempts but nil response from her. It was years too late. I was on the road a lot & that was my alter ego. I never strayed but I enjoyed myself. The hifi business then was . . . well . . . fun. Anyway . . . she announced that we were no longer married & started socializing. I went ballistic. A separation of 6 months (we alternated weeks in the house with the kids) was beyond living hell for me & hell with a dose of partying for her. I was standing in the Las Vegas airport heading home after a convention when I decided to end it.

My kids survived it all. Small scars - yes. I bear the scars of parents that didn’t divorce & probably should have. My kids were never used or drawn into the fray. But they felt it & saw it. They were shuffled back & forth while younger but the early teen years slowed down their visits to me. Kids can only have one home. I missed a lot of growing up. That is what hurts me the most. Interestingly, they both married fairly young. We shall see.

Along the way I gained a new wife & stepson who was very scarred by divorce. It happened when he was 3 years old. No earth-shattering or nasty event but it traumatized him which led to serious issues later in his development. He was kicked out of school at 8. He trashed the principal’s office & bit a gay teacher. A lockdown school for a year plus psychologists & a seriously whacked (but very good) psychiatrist gave him the defense mechanisms he needed. His adolescence was hell for us. He was kicked out of another school. A long, long story. He came back to reality gradually & normalized by around 19.

So yes, divorce can scar kids. In the long run, we all came out of it but it was not easy & it was never foreseeable. Our success was based on our ability to cope & to compromise with all of the twists.

So think long and hard about this decision. But I don’t believe a dead marriage is a healthy place to be for anybody.

Ian