[Heel n Toe]

Steven Wright is a purveyor of dry humor... check him out on YouTube if you don't know who he is. Extreme monotone, deadpan delivery.
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I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long."

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

My mechanic told me he couldn't fix my brakes, so he made my horn louder.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... when I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I have a switch in my apartment... it doesn't do anything. Every once in a while, I turn it on and off and on and off and on and off. One day I got a call... it was from a woman in France. She said "Cut it out."

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24-hours." He said, "Yea, but not in a row."

I was born by C-section ... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I had to get a new shadow. My old one wasn't doing what I was doing anymore.

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running.

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... boy, were they mad!

My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.