[Superman]

I just placed some counseling advice in another thread and I have no business doing so. I am an idiot. This post is going to be about relationships and my dysfunction, so if you're not into that I suggest the "back" button. I'm just expressing myself I guess. Nobody really needs to read this.

Like many men, I am not self-aware. I have no better idea how I feel than someone looking at me. Seriously. Several times in recent years I have noticed my cheek is wet...then noticed my eye was leaking and, wondering about the cause of that, discovered I had a SPLITTING headache. That is how self-aware I am.

I have virtually no memory of my childhood. I think something happened, or didn't happen, at that time that continues to strangle me. I put on a great facade. Everyone thinks I am charming, intelligent (well, except the folks on PARF), handsome, effective, blah blah. I can barely concentrate through my ongoing depression enough to make it to meetings on time.

I fell madly in something (love, infatuation, whatever....) in my early twenties and made a decision that this was the One. We married and had two beautiful children. My relationship with this woman was like oil and water. Except for the beautiful children, we should never have met, let alone got married. The power struggle went on another 23 years and ended in divorce.

I am struggling to offer a short, to-the-point story here rather than a novel.

I had entered into that relationship with my heart, against all logic and advice. When it ended, I vowed to heal (I was verbally and emotionally abused....seriously) and I also vowed to never make another romantic decision with my heart. If I were going to enter into another relationship, it would be a rational decision. That vow has come back to haunt me now.

Couple of years ago I meet a woman. I did not fall in love and was not infatuated. But she was infatuated with me. We continued to see each other. I sort of "went along" with this while she increasingly regarded the relationship as committed, exclusive, etc. This has been going on nearly three years now. We do not live together. We live nearly an hour apart. But...we see each other a couple times per week.

That's all over now. Long story. Mostly, it is over because I didn't want it to go on. Why didn't I want it to go on? Because I never had infatuation feelings. My vow was apparently somewhat meaningless. If I could make a romantic decision with my head, I would commit to be with this woman. She is a leggy, slender redhead. Nice face.....52 years old and no lines whatsoever. Attractive, though she almost never wear makeup. Hard-working. Positive attitude. Patience of a saint. Absolutely 100% trustworthy. Frugal. Creative. Likes blues music. Interests and values similar to mine. Resourceful. She has all the greatest qualities a mate could have....in spades. Just a truly remarkable, wonderful woman. And now, I have to live with the knowledge that I've wasted her time and crushed her feelings. I am a ****head.

And why do I lack the ability to commit to that relationship? Because I'm imagining there is something else. I am imagining that my heart will tell me when commitment is the right thing to do. Infatuation, or whatever......

In the back of my mind I am wondering if perhaps I could get my sch!t together, find the hurt little boy I left behind, learn to like myself, develop the capacity to love others, and then reconnect with this woman when I've gained some sense and some capacity for that. Trouble is......she'll be gone by that time.

On the one hand, I am worried this is one of the greatest mistakes of my life (and quite frankly, that's saying something). On the other hand, perhaps (and this seems true) I simply do not have the capacity, the ability, the emotional centeredness, to make a commitment.

I kinda hope nobody reads this. I'm not sure there is an answer and just needed to "journal." If somebody reads this and would like to scold me, bring it on and lay it thick. I deserve it.