[dtw]

Soup, you're not alone. Some high-level background on my 'quest for self-awareness':

Last year, right around this time, some medical issues came to a head. I'm like any other guy, don't go to the doctor unless I feel I am going to die - or worse, not be able to perform sexually. While I wasn't fearing death, there was a persistent condition that wouldn't go away. Test after test - six months of scans, probes, and biopsies, until finally had to deal with general anasthesia for the first time in my 35 years. Couldn't have been better news - a gigantic, benign salivary cyst that, due to the weird positioning in my neck- was near-impossible to diagnose. No malignancy, plus a sexy new scar to show off. Disco. Surgical scar? No no, that's a memory of a knife fight in Juarez, where I was defending my woman's honor against 20 carteleros.

Putting it all together afterward, I realized that I had been scared scheissless about the whole affair. Never could express it or even feel it - I just noticed, in hindsight, some really weird-ass behaviors and tendencies that manifested during the six months of testing.

Well fast forward to November, I've got a completely new, and completely different "something" in my throat again. MRI tomorrow morning. Fk'ing great.

Once again - I'm not processing the emotions. They're there somewhere, though - the same weird behavior I finally recognized from last year, is rearing it's head again, and in spades. We are some seriously screwed up, dysfunctional creatures.

What am I trying to say? Beats me. Uh...I mean, yes, you are a ****head. But I think you're getting on top of things by at least realizing that fact. That means you can work past it/through it.

This woman, wonderful as she is, isn't the 'one'. You know that, and sad as it is, you can't change it. Is there another woman out there that will give you that emotional response. Maybe not. But if there is, I'm willing to bet you'll be able to recognize it and process it.