[RKC]

I hope & trust that your father does well, and comes through this with flying colors. But make no mistake, tough times are ahead either way. What to do to beat the cancer will be pretty clear. But if that proves impossible....

My father-in-law died of colon cancer at age 69 five years ago. He was from that same generation that didn't talk about such things. He ignored the symptoms for months, and was finally diagnosed as stage IV. He was a good man, and we were close, and when he wouldn't talk to his kids, I went for a drive with him and asked him straight out what was going on. He told me (the son-in-law) about his cancer first and in detail, and later put me in charge of his finances. There were reasons for this (family squabbles), but part of it is that one sees one's own children very tenderly - even when grown - and it is hard to tell those who once fully depended on you that you will no longer be there to depend on.

They tried surgery, but when the opened him up the tumors were large and everywhere, and nothing could be done. He lasted 18 months.

In those 18 months he showed us letters he had written to his girlfriend (later wife) from Europe when he was in the Army, and we spent significant time with him, learning about his past, his adventures, his favorite memories, etc. This was a poignant and beautiful time. The last 6 months were tough and terrible and depressing, and took away much of that beauty - but not all of it.

Having lost one friend suddenly to a heart attack, and another to suicide, I think that the extended period we had to say goodbye was a better way to go. We learned things and felt things and shared things that would have gone unsaid otherwise.

If you dad beats the cancer, more power to you both. But if the diagnosis is negative, use the time wisely and well. The end may be awful, but those precious weeks and months before the end will keep him alive in a way you cannot yet conceive....