[Dottore]

Note: This is neither political nor religious. Merely descriptive.

So my wife and I arrive at the Canada/US border crossing today mid-morning. She is a permanent resident, both of us have been security cleared by Nexus, but because she travels on a German Passport, she needs a US visa.

We go into the visa hut, which is a squalid little room that stinks of perspiration and coffee (at the Vancouver/Blaine border crossing) There are ten processing terminals, only one of which is occupied by CBP official. The other terminals are empty. There are about 10 people in front of us, but an endless line-up of cars, and within 15 minutes there must be a hundred people lined up behind us waiting for a visa. And still only one terminal is occupied.

The other CBP guys are all lounging in the background, in the cubicle farm, joking, drinking coffees, and flirting with the one (heavily pregnant) female officer. All of them move in slow motion. One guy is reading a paperback novel. They frequently swagger past the empty terminals, daring those waiting to protest at the manner in which they are being treated.

The waiting tourists are mainly vacationing Europeans. The Germans behind us can’t believe what is happening. Eventually one of them yells at one of the CBP guys, “can vee get zum service here?” The CBP guys swaggers over and says “one more word out of you and you can go back wherever you came from”. I try to calm the German down, because he simply can’t believe the callous arrogance of the CBP pricks. Its an incredible scene.

After about 40 minutes, the room is seething and bursting at the seams. Everyone is contemplating violence. Children cry. They need bathrooms. We are told, there are no bathrooms at the border for "security reasons". The German goes ape-****. “You zink vee will blow up ze toilet?” he asks a CBP guy rhetorically, and the CBP guy replies by briefly putting his hand on his Glock.

Eventually, two more CBP guys man terminals, so now 3 out of 10 are “working”—but not really. Not one of these guys can type. Single finger —all of them. It’s amazing to watch. These guys process data for a living but they cannot type. Only hen-peck with one finger. And all of them—to a man—are unspeakably rude, arrogant, dumb and fat. It is a scene right out of Bizarro World.

A Chinese woman’s cell phone now rings. She answers, and almost gets her head taken off by one of these goons, because cell phones are not allowed for “security reasons”. She freaks out, and puts it away, and five minutes later it rings again. This time the goon confiscates the phone. What frigging security reasons? The Chinese woman is now weeping loudly, and the German behind me is about to go ballistic. Then we get called up for processing, and experience one of the biggest arseholes I have ever seen holding down a menial job. Anywhere. I cannot begin to describe the depth of his depravity, incompetence and anger. All in all we were there just shy of 90 minutes. The people behind us will have been there for several hours.

In the entire time we were there, there was not a smile, not a helpful comment, not the slightest hint of urgency on the part of any one of these guys. Just this deep contempt and arrogance.

In a lifetime of crossing borders, I have only come across bigger arseholes once, and that was at the Greek/Albanian border when Enver Hoxna was still in power. Inefficient, arrogant, power-mad, stupid, insane, Neanderthal—these words don’t even begin to describe these guys. The only reason we restrained ourselves was because we knew that if we complained these freaks would confiscate our NEXUS cards.

And this is the first impression many visitors have of America.

I weep for this land.

End of rant.